Happy year one to Kenyon’s Class of 2022! We, the Council of Elders, are very pleased and excited to have you here with us. We love your style, your spirit. Your large numbers. Your sweet, chittery little bird voices as you skip down Middle Path in droves, animatedly discussing how awesome your English 103 classes are. Yes! We love you very, very much!!! Because of how much we love you, we at the Thrill would like to quell your nerves a little bit by giving you some advice about how to Make It in this crazy cartoon college. If you take our advice, you are certain to graduate!!! 100% money back guarantee. Have a good day, sweetie, and don’t forget to eat lunch! Xoxo, the Kenyon Thrill. WE LOVE YOU!!!
Someone is putting googly eyes all over campus! Who is this begoogling culprit? Anyone with information regarding the Serial Googler should contact the Kenyon Thrill or apprehend them yourself. We are unsure whether this is a group google or an individual effort but the more I look around campus, the more I find these little plastic eyeballs staring back at me! Happy finals week. The buildings of Kenyon are watching.
Today I sat down with one of the Kenyon students helping to organize protests against changes to the Peer Counseling program. I’m sure you’ve seen the protestors sitting in Peirce with their various signs. Perhaps you’ve even talked to them about their cause. If you haven’t and you’re still not completely clear about what’s going on, I urge you to speak with the protestors and ask them about their concerns. They’re friendly and they don’t bite– I promise. For now, here’s an interview about potential changes to the Peer Counseling program and how these changes might impact the student body. I’d like to thank my anonymous source, the Peer Counselors, and the student protestors for all the hard work they’re doing.
Hello! I have a Big Flu. I thought I would make it out of this germy cesspool unscathed. Instead I am reconciling with the fact that the flu vaccine was only, like, thirty percent effective this year and that Knox County has transformed into a plague-ridden apocalyptic death zone. I looked out my window after a coughing fit today and saw a girl walking home holding a tissue to her nose. Everyone is dying. Everyone is flu. Stay healthy, kiddos.