PSA: Flesh or Flush?


There seems to be some confusion on campus about whether the phrase is “to flesh out” or “to flush out.” Only one is correct and yet people use both as though they are interchangeable. It’s an epidemic. As comedian Gary Gulman once said, using the wrong phrase is the “verbal equivalent of spinach in your teeth.”So, I’d like to clarify this once and for all. Continue reading

10 o’clock lists: Nine Conversation Starters for your Awkward Pregame Small Talk


We’ve all been there, it’s a birthday party for a friend of a friend or hosted by a club you just joined. You get there thirty minutes late because you don’t want to be the first person there but when you arrive there are only four people in the room. The Franzia has just been opened and everybody is still profoundly sober. You know you can’t just stand by the door awkwardly, you have to make chit chat. Small talk. Exchange pleasantries. It’s a nightmare. But never fear, below are a few conversation starters to help you get through the night.

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Kenyon Buried: Your definitive guide for how to find a relationship on campus after death


Kenyon married. Although it may seem like a lifetime, this phrase is only significant for three or four years. In the grand scope of human existence this is merely a blink. Forget thinking about how you want to live and focus on the much more important question, who do you want to spend your death with? The ghost community is a vibrant, diverse, chilly population of deceased individuals looking for love, just like us. If you don’t like anyone on this list, help add to it. (What? I didn’t just suggest murder….) Continue reading

Is this a Kenyon Ghost Story or the Plot of a Stephen King Novel?


“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” Stephen King wrote this but it may as well have been said during a Kenyon ghost tour. Kenyon is rife with ghosts which means that Kenyon is also rife with ghost stories. You’ve probably heard of a couple of them, but how well do you actually know all of these haunting tales? Can you guess whether this is a Kenyon ghost story or a plotline for a Stephen King novel? Let’s find out. (Answers are at the bottom)

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Is This Kenyon or Russia?

oldkenyonaerial.jpeg     It makes sense that people are worried about our government having illegal ties with Russia with all the turmoil and investigations going on in Washington D.C. However, all those scandals in the White House are simply distracting us from the real scandal going on here at Kenyon.  See, there is some very compelling evidence that implies that suggests that the Kremlin has taken a special interest in this small liberal arts college in the middle of Ohio. I know, I know, it’s shocking, heartbreaking even, but unfortunately, it’s true. Forget about all that Illuminati confirmed bullshit, this is where the real conspiracy is at.

  1. Wonder who that mysterious $75 million dollar donation was from? We all know that Putin’s favorite number is 75. In the words of the late great Avril Lavigne (yes she died and was replaced by a clone) “She was a small liberal arts college, he was a “diplomatically elected” Russian president, can I make it anymore obvious?”
  2. If you look at an aerial image of the mod pods recently installed, they spell out  “Russia 4 Evah.”
  3. The words “Decatur” and “Kremlin” have the same amount of letters. Coincidence?
  4. Everyone always talks about how Gambier, Ohio bears a striking resemblance to Moscow. It’s mainly the cornfields but also the high density of extreme wealth in the middle of vast amounts of poverty. I smell an Oligarch.
  5. If all that hard evidence isn’t compelling enough, here is a direct quote from the Kenyon Website about the Russian department students. “They have worked in the American Embassy in Moscow” Mmmmhmmm.


What’s Really Happening Behind the Fence

They told us that the construction behind the fence (in between Pierce and Olin) is to set up study spaces for when they tear down the library. But remember that time when the government said there was no such thing as Area 51? Exactly. So, what is really going on behind the fence? Here are the most likely theories:

1. Meth lab. Apparently the stuff is very addictive. This school is in rural Ohio afterall. Think about it.

2. Private residences for Decatur. It’s common knowledge that President Decatur feels that his current home isn’t close enough to the action on campus. Yes, he can see middle path from his bedroom window, but he can’t really see it from that far away.

3. Plot twist: the bookstore is secretly the new library and those trailers are going to become our new bookstore. Why else would this new “bookstore” have so many tables where people can study? Why else would it have so many books?

4. The trailers have no real function, they are just an attempt at changing the Kenyon aesthetic. People are tired of old Gothic collegiate architecture and stunning tree lined walkways and luscious plots of grass. Trailers are the one and only addition to this campus that will draw perspective students. Trailers and no library. If that won’t increase the number of applicants this year, nothing else will.

5. This is just part of a nationwide social experiment examining how wealthy, privileged millennials react when they are slightly inconvenienced.

6. It’s one of those “The Emperor’s New Clothes” illusions where there actually aren’t any trailers at all but none want to be the person that doesn’t see them so the lie is perpetuated.