A Letter to My Two Older Brothers Who Might Be Football Players And Much More Than You Could Ever Imagine But Not In A Good Way

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I’m so curious about what kind of person reads The Thrill voluntarily. I completely understand if you were making your way to the adult site The Thrills and accidentally stumbled across this monstrosity. Maybe you were trying to get the Collegian and just forgot their name. Or, maybe you got here on purpose, which begs the question, what kind of person are you? I don’t know how much I can write about older brothers who might be football players, so I’m going to just cram the material I had for five articles into this one over the next ten minutes and we’ll see what happens. 

A little family history: My great grandfather, Edvard Manning, was in the battle of Blenheim and was the only casualty on the German side because he misread the smoke signal as charge instead of retreat. Mannings have a tendency to charge when they should be retreating. Even when we try to do what’s right, we end up causing more casualties. Here are a few examples:

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Quiz: Should You Call Your Grandma?

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Grandma’s are the worst, said nobody ever! Grandma’s are the zestiest, most wholesome, and oldest people in the world. They’re like your mother if she didn’t give a fuck. That being said, while calling Barb at the right time can be as satisfying as taking a bath, being on the phone at the wrong time can be as uncomfortable as taking a bath with your grandma. Take this quiz to find out if you should call, and don’t you dare leave a comment below (Seriously, please don’t, the Thrill punishes me for each comment I get).

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It Turns Out My In Person Class Has Been On Zoom This Whole Time

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First of all, I think it’s so cool that the Thrill finally put me on their webpage as a writer only after two and a half years! I was really worried they were going to demote me to the Thrill advisory position, which consists of getting coffee for the writers along with giving foot massages to the editorial staff. They had a bunch of eighth graders doing that stuff under the pretense of an internship, but all the eighth graders joined K-SWOC so the Thrill is totally screwed. If any of you reading this need an internship, please give me a call at 415-521-4622 and attach your resume (and yes, it’s unpaid you idiot).   

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What’s Really Happening In The Basement Of The Lowry Center

“What’s really happening in the basement of the Lowry Center,” a premise so bad that when a Thrill editor assigned it to me, I pretended that I didn’t come up with it. Unfortunately, she sent me a picture of what I submitted and this title was there, along with “Ten O’clock list: My favorite numbers” and “How to get to a one way ticket to Amish Pound Town before you can say ‘a man is never old before his regrets outnumber his dreams’” Anyways, I’m super busy, so I’m gonna give this bad boy ten minutes of mediocre focus and see what happens.

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