What’s Really Happening In The Basement Of The Lowry Center

“What’s really happening in the basement of the Lowry Center,” a premise so bad that when a Thrill editor assigned it to me, I pretended that I didn’t come up with it. Unfortunately, she sent me a picture of what I submitted and this title was there, along with “Ten O’clock list: My favorite numbers” and “How to get to a one way ticket to Amish Pound Town before you can say ‘a man is never old before his regrets outnumber his dreams’” Anyways, I’m super busy, so I’m gonna give this bad boy ten minutes of mediocre focus and see what happens.

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Do I Have To Meet With My Advisor?

Let’s be honest. The Thrill is the best of the best. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t belong, and that we have different tastes in humor.

For example, “Do I have to Meet With My Advisor” was one of those last minute pitches that I put on The Thrill’s google doc because I was lazy and thought they would pick something better like “How do I get my mom to stop texting me” or “Ten Pirate puns that’ll tickle your timbers” or my favorite, “Reasons why you should continue to socially distance even after Corona.”

But The Thrill thought this pitch was funny, even though I didn’t. There’s only one way to see who’s right.

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I Watched the Presidential Debate Backwards; Here’s What I Learned

For the layman, the 2020 presidential debate was confusing. Joe Biden couldn’t talk and Donald Trump couldn’t stop talking. However, as the topics switched from Joe Biden’s son receiving 3 Million dollars from “the russians” to Joe Biden’s son receiving 3 Million dollars from “the russians”, I realized that it was my fault for not understanding these masterminds, so I made some changes. Switching speech to Spanish helped, and the subtitles in morse code clarified it even more. However, watching the debate backwards was the real breakthrough. 

The last thing I want to do on a Tuesday night is spend an hour and a half watching three idiots try to have a coherent conversation, so I stepped away from the dinner table and turned on c-span. Oh how I regret that fateful mistake. 

It was like watching a Kenyon football scrimmage; I couldn’t look away from the proverbial fumbles of each ill-equipped team. Donald Trump made me miss 2016 Donald Trump, and I promise you at one point Joe Biden counted to three wrong. Eventually, the moderator did nothing.

I started laughing nervously and considered going back to dinner. It was going to be a little awkward returning to my family after I had yelled “You’re all naughty naughty children ” and scurried onto the couch. 

That’s when genius hit me. My sister is a genius and she hit me. I guess she was mad about what I said. I went back to watching.

When I accidentally hit the reverse button on the remote, something amazing happened: I discovered Joe Biden was secretly moderating the debate against Chris Wallace and Donald Crampus. Did this process confuse all of the viewers? Yes. But did it eliminate viewer bias? Exactly!

Let’s take an example. When Joe Biden said, “We’ll create good hard, hard jobs.” (I don’t know why the focus was on “hard”) Watching that backwards translated to, “What is the most desirable trait in a presidential candidate?” Even our current commander and cheese-ball was more coherent backwards.

Let’s cut to the chase. We need to elect a true representative of the people that will fight for true American values. America doesn’t need another old senile white man, we need someone who recognizes climate change as a real threat and understands what it takes to build trust and credability in American Government. That’s why, I’m humbly asking you to chip in to support Chris Wallace for president. Please follow the link to chip in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T1OHha9agg

Dear Kenyon, Give Me Back My Belongings or I’ll Create Another A Capella Group

It’s September 12th, approximately 6 months since I left Kenyon and four weeks since I’ve stepped outside. Since then I’ve done many things, including investing all my savings into a mobile app and binge-reading the entire twilight series. I’ve taken three weeks of online classes without watching a single lecture, and I’ve even fallen in love with someone who is definitely not a video game character. The one thing I haven’t done is receive any of my belongings from my college. Not even the goldfish that is, unless by some miracle, very much dead. Dear Kenyon, I’ve asked nicely. Now I’m threatening you with the promise of 10 unaccompanied vocalists that will haunt the hill until eternity or Kenyon closes after a Covid outbreak (most likely the second one). 

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