Perhaps the most belabored phrase I’ve heard as a Kenyon student is “Writing is rewriting.” Normally this irks me, because it’s true. Because it’s true, that means more work. Womp womp. There is, however, one exception to this phrase — titles. Titles tell your reader everything and nothing at the same time. Slap that bow of a title on top of that gift of a thesis and put it under the tree. A bad title can be sad, but a rose by any other name would smell jjjuuuust as sweet. Despite this, some titles must go. I dug through the annals of Kenyon College Senior Thesis past and found these title rejects. We can only imagine what they prefaced.
Spring has sprung, and I’m coming to you live from the hot hot hot beaches of Playa Del Carmen in Mexico. I’m not happy. Not only did I get a big sunburn on my chest this morning, but I’ve noticed that there is some serious warming happening. Why else would the beaches be so hot hot hot in MARCH? We know what happens from here. For one, I can see at least six category-five hurricanes on the horizon from my beach perch. Their respective names are: Andrea, Barry, Chantal, Dorian, Erin, and Fernand. Chantal is my favorite. Much to my chagrin, the warming has also caused an earthquake right here; a rift in the ground is forming between my legs. The longer I type this, the longer a deep, searing sensation emanates from my burn and the more I think about how I should really jump to one side. I’m having a hard time deciding between the right half of the beach and my family. Now I’m doing a split over a 50-foot wide fissure, and my pants are probably gonna rip. Hello, doctor? I’m gonna need some medication because I’ve got a serious case of the Mondays. How was your weekend?
