The Types of People Who Share Your P.O. Box

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Ah, the Kenyon Post Office. A place of love, loss, and lust. The place you go only when you think your eccentric-yet-wealthy aunt has sent you money, or to face the disappointment of knowing that the United States Postal Service will soon be obsolete due to the rapid technological advancements of modern society. But mostly it’s a place where you go to think: who the frick shares my P.O. Box, dude?

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10 o’clock List: Rejected Kenyon Acapella Groups

p01gvq1v.jpgKenyon Acapella: replacing Kenyon Greek Life since 1824. Although you might think you can never get enough of someone singing some doo-wop-y ballad on a Saturday night, making you feel ready to truly risk it all, not everyone would agree. Here’s a list of the acapella groups that just didn’t make the cut: 

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Phishing Scam or Kenyon Fuckboi?

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It (sorta) happened to me: my friend got a hilariously bad spam email. When I read it myself, something about the way that the “hacker” spoke sounded oh so familiar. I soon realized that the scammer reminded me of your garden variety Kenyon Kasanova. He managed to take on several classic Kenyon personas over the course of the email, a few of which are below:

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The Most (and Least) Kenyon Halloween Costumes

kenyon-fall-panoIf you think you have Kenyon Halloween all figured out, guess again, you ignorant slut! For anyone needing inspo for next year or anyone who wants to feel bad about costumes past, I’ve compiled this list of top notch (and shit tier) Kenyon costumes that’ll instantly make or break your reputation here on the Hill.

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I Ate One Color of Food a Day at Peirce and Tried Not to DIE

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Have you ever wanted to ROY G BIV your diet and ruin your life? Well, then this article is for you! This week, I forced  myself to eat only one color a day for each of my Peirce meals (which, in my case, are only lunch and dinner because I refuse to practice healthy habits or wake up before 10 a.m.). A week of pure hell ensued: tears were shed, nutrients were lost… the grumbling of my stomach could be heard for miles around. Oh, the things I do for my fans. 

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Storytime: I Infiltrated an Anti-Vaxxer Group and Survived

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Yes, the rumors are true. After years of family members and friends designating me “Most Likely to Get Sucked in by a Cult,” I, Jane Rose Griffin, finally admit to being an anti-vaxxer. Haha, just kidding LOL! But in all seriousness, for one magical night this summer, I was able to achieve my childhood dreams of becoming an undercover agent, and at an anti-vaxxer group no less. Spoiler alert: I lived, bitch. 

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A Definitive Ranking of Peirce’s Mayonnaises

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Picture this: You’re in the servery. It’s cold and dark. You’ve just finished making your 10th sandwich of the day. You go to put some sweet, sweet mayo on that baby, only to stand there, helpless as you shake the bottle for what seems like a millennia. People line up behind you, their eyes staring daggers into your back. A baby is crying somewhere in the distance. You start to sweat profusely. The room fills with your sweat, and you’re still holding onto that goddamned mayonnaise bottle, drowning, drowning, crying out for help–All right, I think you get the point. Anyone who’s been around me for more than 3 milliseconds knows of my shameful love of mayonnaise in all of its many shapes and forms. What can I say? Blame it on my heritage. Whether it be Hellman’s (for your average joe), aioli (for the more refined) or Vegenaise (for the socially woke health nuts out there), there’s nothing that a fat dollop of mayo can’t fix. Getting said mayonnaise, however, can be a humbling experience. That’s why I’ve decided to ease your Mayo Mishaps with this much-needed list!

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