If you think you have Kenyon Halloween all figured out, guess again, you ignorant slut! For anyone needing inspo for next year or anyone who wants to feel bad about costumes past, I’ve compiled this list of top notch (and shit tier) Kenyon costumes that’ll instantly make or break your reputation here on the Hill.
Have you ever wanted to ROY G BIV your diet and ruin your life? Well, then this article is for you! This week, I forced myself to eat only one color a day for each of my Peirce meals (which, in my case, are only lunch and dinner because I refuse to practice healthy habits or wake up before 10 a.m.). A week of pure hell ensued: tears were shed, nutrients were lost… the grumbling of my stomach could be heard for miles around. Oh, the things I do for my fans.
Yes, the rumors are true. After years of family members and friends designating me “Most Likely to Get Sucked in by a Cult,” I, Jane Rose Griffin, finally admit to being an anti-vaxxer. Haha, just kidding LOL! But in all seriousness, for one magical night this summer, I was able to achieve my childhood dreams of becoming an undercover agent, and at an anti-vaxxer group no less. Spoiler alert: I lived, bitch.
Picture this: You’re in the servery. It’s cold and dark. You’ve just finished making your 10th sandwich of the day. You go to put some sweet, sweet mayo on that baby, only to stand there, helpless as you shake the bottle for what seems like a millennia. People line up behind you, their eyes staring daggers into your back. A baby is crying somewhere in the distance. You start to sweat profusely. The room fills with your sweat, and you’re still holding onto that goddamned mayonnaise bottle, drowning, drowning, crying out for help–All right, I think you get the point. Anyone who’s been around me for more than 3 milliseconds knows of my shameful love of mayonnaise in all of its many shapes and forms. What can I say? Blame it on my heritage. Whether it be Hellman’s (for your average joe), aioli (for the more refined) or Vegenaise (for the socially woke health nuts out there), there’s nothing that a fat dollop of mayo can’t fix. Getting said mayonnaise, however, can be a humbling experience. That’s why I’ve decided to ease your Mayo Mishaps with this much-needed list!
I want to preface this cursed article by saying that I am fully aware of how disgusting the concept of this is. I’m here to tell you that I don’t give a singular hoot. Needless to say, I didn’t care enough about myself or my health to stop myself from embarking on this journey! Here are five outfits perfect for any occasion that I made from the pile of clothes left in the Old K laundry room:
Whether it be the aroma of your mom’s home cooking, or the calming scent of clothing fresh out of the dryer, there are some smells that just can’t be beat. But out here in good ol’ Gambier, much like the Twilight Zone, the rules don’t apply. In rural Ohio, your nose (and mental strength) are challenged like they have never been before. Here some of the of Kenyon’s many memorable smells: