Newman Day is coming. Paul Newman went to Kenyon, isn’t that neat? One time he said “There are both 24 beers in a case and hours in a day — there should be a holiday commemorating this,” or something like that. I’m not sure who made the connection that the holiday should be celebrated by drinking 24 beers in 24 hours, sounds dangerous but whatever. Anyway, he/she went to Kenyon (Or maybe Bates), so that’s cool too. But, a lot of us are gonna celebrate tomorrow, here’s a rough timeline of events to get you in the mood.
Fourtwenny! It’s on us! Springtime is here, let’s celebrate! We all enjoy a nice roll now and then, but today is a day where we can all get rolling together. Roll with your friends, roll with your family, roll with your dad, roll with your teacher, roll all day long. If you’re going to roll safely though, you need to follow a few simple tips. Keep reading to learn how to keep it cool, but also safe, from a few members of our staff.
Why hello sweet friend, you may or may not know that Newman Day is coming up very soon. If you’re anything like me, you see this holiday as a bastion of warmth and goodness in a year that is otherwise devoid of honorable practice. Of course you frequently find little ways to demonstrate your devotion to Newman, I know I do. Heck, these may even be sufficient to save you and keep you chugging along. However, in regard to effectively bringing you into His light, no practice can even begin to compare to the annual quaffing. This is because it is the only known ritual suggested directly by His word. While this is a noble and respectable practice, those who wish to deepen their understanding of Newman and perhaps situate themselves closer to His boundless warmth may wish to consider additional rites. As seen below, some procedures are naturally superior to others. Please enjoy the knowledge to follow.
Ned Vogel ’15 is a senior music major who smells completely fine. He serves as treasurer and half of the guitar section of Kenyon’s loudest, heaviest rock and roll band the Flying Hounds. The band also features Tom Cox ’17 on drums, Andrew Clarkson ’16 on bass, and Jack Cox on the other guitar.
Their upcoming album will definitely heighten your emotional state. If you want to feel incorporable pleasure you should check out their Bandcamp.
In order to get some insight into what it means to be a good-time rock-n-roll performer, I performed an interview on Ned. The results are as follows:
Oh Kenyon housing, how you have changed over the course of my short tenure here. Back when my perky, 18 year old body first set foot on this campus, my highest residential aspirations were to while away sunday mornings in a Farr Hall stateroom, gazing down at disheveled passersby and softly chuckling to myself. This dream stands, I suppose, but I would guess the majority of the student body would beg to differ. In the past few years many of the college’s charming and cozy living spaces have been bulldozed in order to make way for the construction of spacious, white cubes set aside for the upper crust. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that I had the opportunity to apply to live in a mansion made out of paper, balsa wood and glue and be rejected. However, part of me misses the undeniable charm of the domiciles that had to die in order for these boxes to be birthed. Dear reader, take a walk with me if you will, and I will feed you knowledge of some long-gone, tastefully janky housing options. Continue reading
My yes, Comps. Maybe they’ve happened for you, maybe you’ve got a little time, maybe they’re coming right up. We all have to take them, most of us will pass, some of us won’t. If you think you may be cruising for a spot among the unlucky few, you may want to consult this handy little checklist. Chances are it will either entirely allay or horribly amplify your fears. Enjoy!
1. Your nerves are out of control:
Your hands have started shaking so vigorously that you are no longer capable of writing, typing or even thinking about anything other than the shaking of your hands. The shaking has started to spread to your arms, followed by your trunk, going to your neck and legs, ending in the un-ignorable vibration of your brain. The trembles cause the boundless misery sweat to spray off your body, like water coming off a dog after a pleasant trip to the lake. If you’ve made it to this point, chances are you’re in no state to study for or take comps, let alone pass. Go to the doctor. Seek medication.
Why hello, my gentle brethren and sistren. If you’re currently enrolled at Kenyon, or have been in the past, you no doubt have memories of the arduous, misery-inducing application process. Nothing in my life has brought me more existential dread than sitting at my childhood kitchen counter, tearing my little hairs out strand by strand and trying to decide what “I would sculpt, given a block of clay,” or what “laid outside the borders of my map.” I found myself tossing and turning more vigorously in my bed at night. The never-ending screaming echoing inside my ears intensified. “What reason would they have to select a foolish sad sack such as myself?” I would think, over and over. Somehow I made it in, but to this day I wonder how I managed to slip through the cracks. Some like-minded Stanford students clearly felt the same way, and being unable to live another day pretending to feel normal decided to take matters into their own hands. No doubt they breathe a bit easier knowing that the judgements passed upon them are no longer so secret. Please humor me while I try to settle myself down by playing a bit of make-believe regarding my own file.
1. This applicant is clearly not interested in the correct fields of study, he’s neither planning to pursue courses in sculpture or cartography: If admissions were seeking candidates with those particular talents they should have just gone right out and told prospective students so, instead of espousing a desire to fill Kenyon’s hallowed halls with “individuals” and “free thinkers.” I guess the decision to eliminate this portion of the application does suggest that the process is becoming a bit more open minded.