Kenyon Punk Edits

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John “Nerd-Annihilator” Green ’00

I don’t know about y’all, but it feels like Kenyon is missing something. Maybe it’s the lack of unfinished NCA basements, graveyard battles of the bands, and satanic ska cults, but I think we can all agree that Gambier is getting a little too fucking soft. I mean, wouldn’t you rather incur serious brain damage from a Horn mosh pit rather than a silly game of rugby? Why don’t we have a task force about that, huh? Anyways, I figured I’d do my part in roughing up our image by showing just how edgy our admins and alumni could be if they committed to the sick bit.

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Breaking: 2020 Commencement Speaker Announced

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Zoinks! Have you heard the news? Students and Texans alike were disappointed when this year’s Senior Soirée went by without an official announcement of the commencement speaker, but The Thrill has some insider information. Beto “Skater Boi” O’Rourke was so very pleased about The Thrill‘s endorsement that not only has he jumped back into the race (who even knew he’d dropped out?), but he’s also decided to do something for us! That’s right, Beto “#1 Rock Band Fiend” O’Rourke is Kenyon College’s Class of 2020 Commencement Speaker! Continue reading

Shit Professors Say, Vol. V

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These quotes have been collected from professors in various areas of study, by a variety of Thrill contributors. Click here for our previous installment.

*Glances at the clock* “I’m in despair.”

“We have lots of exciting things going on today! First of all, yes, I shaved half of my eyebrow. No, there’s no interesting story to go along with it.”

“I’m trying to figure out my existence in front of this work of art, and you guys are making out in front of it??”

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The Thrill’s Official 2020 Presidental Endorsement

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Photo taken right before Beto did a sick thingy down the KAC hill

Here at The Thrill, we pride ourselves on having our little fingies on the pulse of not just the Kenyon College community, but also that of the entire nation. To whom do you look to for the most accurate margarita recommendations in town? For the best places to spread rumors without being caught? For where to hold your definitely fake fight clubThe Thrill giveth and The Thrill never taketh away.

So, with your complete trust, we’ve decided to broaden our scope and announce, for the first time ever, The Kenyon Thrill‘s official, and very timely, endorsement for the 2020 Democratic Presidental Nomination (we know our audience!). Without further ado, we confirm Beto “Zumiez Employee of the Month” O’Rourke as our nominee to rock out and stand on the biggest table in the nation. Why? Well…

Reason #1:

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The Doctor Is In: You’re Screwed

For when your emotions are, like, so valid, but not valid enough for actual counseling services, check out these hot tips from Gambier’s best and only (emphasis on only) official mental health provider. Now take your medicine that isn’t actual medicine because that would require student access to a certified psychiatrist!parody health center card pic

Co-written by Colleen Kemp ’20 and Sarah Hoffmann ’20

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Peirce Date: 2 Peirce 2 Date

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We’ve seen your comments, we’ve heard your cries, and now it’s time for—you guessed it—the return of Peirce Dates. In this classic Thrill feature, we set up two complete strangers on a blind date in Peirce to prove that love can be found among even the blandest of vaguely-Asian noodle bowls. Join us and watch as romance, or at least new friendship, blooms.

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