The Thrill’s Official 2020 Presidental Endorsement

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Photo taken right before Beto did a sick thingy down the KAC hill

Here at The Thrill, we pride ourselves on having our little fingies on the pulse of not just the Kenyon College community, but also that of the entire nation. To whom do you look to for the most accurate margarita recommendations in town? For the best places to spread rumors without being caught? For where to hold your definitely fake fight clubThe Thrill giveth and The Thrill never taketh away.

So, with your complete trust, we’ve decided to broaden our scope and announce, for the first time ever, The Kenyon Thrill‘s official, and very timely, endorsement for the 2020 Democratic Presidental Nomination (we know our audience!). Without further ado, we confirm Beto “Zumiez Employee of the Month” O’Rourke as our nominee to rock out and stand on the biggest table in the nation. Why? Well…

Reason #1:

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The Doctor Is In: You’re Screwed

For when your emotions are, like, so valid, but not valid enough for actual counseling services, check out these hot tips from Gambier’s best and only (emphasis on only) official mental health provider. Now take your medicine that isn’t actual medicine because that would require student access to a certified psychiatrist!parody health center card pic

Co-written by Colleen Kemp ’20 and Sarah Hoffmann ’20

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Peirce Date: 2 Peirce 2 Date

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We’ve seen your comments, we’ve heard your cries, and now it’s time for—you guessed it—the return of Peirce Dates. In this classic Thrill feature, we set up two complete strangers on a blind date in Peirce to prove that love can be found among even the blandest of vaguely-Asian noodle bowls. Join us and watch as romance, or at least new friendship, blooms.

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Shh! The Official Guide to Gambier Gossip

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Evening, Upper New Siders. Are you enjoying the return of Carhartt and Blundstone weather? Well, Gambier may be getting colder, but it looks like the Kenyon intelligence market is finally heating up. I’ve overheard that some of you are getting busted for trading tips on Middle Path, so I decided to do you all a favor and hand over my top-secret guide for where and when to exchange your hot new goss. And remember, don’t even think about it without a quick little Kenyon Lookaround. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Thrill.

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Kenyon Doppelgangers: A Tale of Two Cranes

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Get ready, because we’re back again with the next long-awaited edition of Kenyon Doppelgangers, the classic Thrill feature where we profile two students with uncanny similarities for your viewing pleasure. I’m sure you’ve all seen our first student, Krane, ’22, hanging around Rosse and sometimes swinging by the Gund Gallery, but our second subject is a bit of a mystery.

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AI Tells All: The True Identities of Kenyon’s Elite

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Ever since digital artist Trevor Paglen uploaded his ImageNet Roulette project to the web, I’ve been obsessed. I’ve spent hours furiously uploading photos to be compared with the database and anxiously waiting for my new identity to be spit out. Am I a nonsmoker? A fighter pilot? A colleen? I hunger to know. I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks. My friends are getting worried. Deadlines have come and gone, but all I can do is give the beast what it wants. The only thing that could save me from the grips of this illness would be to happen upon an image able to expose our true reality and pull the wool from my tired eyes. And, don’t get too excited, but I think I’ve done it. I turned to the classic Kenyon figures that we know and love and, although some still miss the mark, there’s one label that matches so perfectly that I can finally end my search in success. Read on for some identifications I happened upon along the way and one that is so true and pure that it may alter life at Kenyon forevermore.

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