The Ransom Notes Have Taken Their First Hostage (It’s Me!)

Original Art By Michael Audet ’20, but props to Stock Photo Chair Guy too

Well folks, I hope you missed hearing about Kenyon acapella, because they are back and louder than ever. Coming at you like the unholy child of a broken record and a faulty radio that only plays unintelligible word fragments, college acapella has never been more missed on the Kenyon College Campus. Also, the Kenyon College Ransom Notes are standing over me as I write! For every star I give them, I get to keep one of my fingernails.

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COVID Test Speedrun, Positive% Category

Shoutout to the devs at Everlywell

Do you ever feel self-conscious about your walking speed? Like, if your destination was really that important to your life, you’d be moving a bit faster? I mean, why stop there? If your life is so important, why aren’t you doing everything more quickly, more efficiently? Hi, I’m Micah Kim, known on the COVID test speedrunning forums as NostrilPlug1, and today I’ll be channeling that existential fear into an optimization of the Everlywell self-applied COVID test.

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10 o’clock list: Tragedies of Star-Crossed Lovers to Give You Hope or Schadenfreude

(MordeTwi) Airplanes by bluedog444, DeviantArt

Romance poets say love is pain, but love is also love and sometimes pain is just pain. Given that the annual amount of Valentine’s Day pain is higher than usual, I thought I’d share with you the stories of separated lovers across myth and time. Perhaps COVID is just another trial and tribulation in our neverending tale of love and loss and love again. Perhaps romanticizing struggle perpetuates it in the belief that only suffering validates happiness, which leads to people without power not seeking help or those in power not offering it. Either way, love hurts, so here’s my top picks for the heart-wrenchiest stories of all.

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Living With The Shame of Asking for No Veggies

I’m sorry, Little One, but I only eat raw hot sauce packets now

In a normal year, Peirce Dining Hall is an underappreciated hub of Kenyon social life. This year, it is the only rock in the peopleless ocean we call a college campus, and for that I am forever grateful. The fact that all this wonderful food is cooked seven days a week specifically for us is something that I’m not about to take for granted, and I want to show my Peirce Hall fandom in any way I can; any way except one.

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Oops, Google Meets Glitched and My Professor is Now an Unspeakable Mass of Flesh

Juan Gris, “Portrait of Pablo Picasso,” 1912
Oil on canvas, on Google Meets

Here I sit in my English seminar, taking in the blissful college life at Kenyon College. Except today, that life has been trapped inside my laptop, and made prisoner of the manifold abomination framed in green on the Google Meet.

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