You know that mom who in your neighborhood that you try at all costs to avoid, but she power-walks with little pink dumbbells up to your window when you’re backing out of the driveway to remind you to remind your mother to vote for the next chair of the Homeowners Association?
I am her, only instead little pink dumbbells, I’m doubling-fisting cups of coffee, and instead of being concerned about your mother’s enfranchisement in the Cul-de-sac of Broken Dreams you live in, I’m concerned about you being a proper soldier of democracy in the United States of America.
Too dramatic? Too bad.
Brave soldiers of democracy, the time is nigh. Like Cinderella at midnight, the Ganter at four in the afternoon, and myself when the sun sets, in one-half of a fortnight, on November 8th, the magic spell that has made our academic institution so appealing to celebrities and politicians everywhere will be broken on the hallowed land of Gambier, Ohio, and we will be left in the dust of our politically naked selves, undesirable and, undoubtedly, going into the servery for yet another round of Peirce pizza.
So how may we preserve what charm and appeal we have thus far been able to meekly maintain? How might they remember us when the Grande Soiree of enfranchisement ceases?
Cinderella had her glass slipper.
The Ganter has leftover cans of Keystone and ghosts of poor decisions.
My bed has unfortunate remnants of popcorn kernels tangled in its sheets.
And Slambier, Brohio has early voting.
Let’s face it, this nation’s call to enfranchisement has caused Gambier to become what many are calling “The Hollywood of the Midwest”. From Lance Bass to the woman who looks like my mother (but happens to play a Russian mob-wife on TV), Kenyon has become a hotspot for all that vaguely glitters and all that’s somewhat gold in this election season. But, due to my chronic feelings of inadequacy, I need more! So, here’s a list of other strange and random celebrities who could waltz into Wiggin at any point in the upcoming weeks and ruin my chances at snatching a decent study table.
The thing about this little liberal arts school named Kenyon College is that sometimes things happen on this hill that are so strange, so unprecedented, that you are forced to question the reality of your existence on this plane.
Peirce serves taco pizza. Kittens live in pipes near Caples, surviving off of Cheetos.
Lance Bass, of *NSYNC fame and a strong, currently active presence in most of my ideals of love and success, shows up in the middle of the day with little to no prior advertising to talk about LGBTQIA+ issues in America.
What: LGBTQ+ Campus Tour (including Lance Bass, Raymond Braun, Robbie Kaplan, and Jim Obergefell)
When: Today at 2:45p.m.
Where: Peirce Hall