PSA to the Raccoon Who Keeps Chewing Through the Power Lines

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Please stop. I get it: there aren’t a lot of things for a city fella like you to do in this village. I feel the same way. And I understand how tired you probably are of the repetition of Papa Johns and Keystone in the campus trashcans. Variance is important for a diet like yours. Continue reading

Things I Realized Over Winter Break Are Only Socially Acceptable at Kenyon

I’ve had a hunch for a while that I’ve slowly developed a mild version of Stockholm Syndrome with Kenyon College. It comes on slowly, starting with a positive sentiment towards living in a one-and-a-half restaurant town. It finally becomes incurable with the onset of a nose ring infatuation and a sensation of terror because of the abundance of tampon options at the local Trader Joe’s. Since there are very few similarities between rural Ohio and Houston (besides the raging conservatives), I am reminded over breaks that there are a lot of things that are ONLY socially acceptable on Kenyon’s campus and are fully bizarre out in the real world:

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Dumbest Thing My Mom Ever Did: Called D-Cat Gus From Breaking Bad

Dumbest Thing My Mom Ever Did: Called D-Cat Gus From Breaking Bad

It was Parent’s Weekend my freshman year. I was surrounded by students who stunk of Ozium and hangover sweats, all collectively pretending that we weren’t glad as hell that our parents had come back for us a mere month into college. All was going well. Continue reading

An Interview with Local Asian Beetle Celebrity

An Interview with Local Asian Beetle Celebrity

Perched atop the cracking windows of Leonard Hall, the Asian beetle’s little mouth curls in a bashful smile. It’s four o’clock: rush hour for the Asian beetles, who are piling in the corners of the warm room, falling on top of each other in confusion. She has arrived late for the interview, leaving me hopelessly scanning the top of my dorm ceiling amongst the forty other Asian beetles for her.

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Campo Officer Turns Into John Stamos With New Campus Safety System

Campo Officer Turns Into John Stamos With New Campus Safety System

A small, fortunate portion of Kenyon College has been graced with the presence of a rapid knock on your door, the sweet coo of a campo officer announcing their name, and the hectic shuffling of items before opening the door and trying to nonchalantly say hello without pissing your pants.

For me, it started off normal. Continue reading

CALL FOR PEIRCE DATES

CALL FOR PEIRCE DATES

Are you sick of walking down Middle Path just to realize that every face you pass is unfamiliar? Do you crave the sensation of gently caressing another person’s hand as you reach for the same Chipotle mayo bottle? Or are you just looking for something beyond the bizarre Kenyon hookup culture for a meaningful conversation on the middle of New Side?

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Dumbest Thing I Ever Did: My Hazmat Suit

Dumbest Thing I Ever Did: My Hazmat Suit

At the glorious age of 15 (yes, 15, admittedly too old for this to happen), my favorite activities included binge-watching The Walking Dead, and searching my asthma symptoms on Web M.D. and diagnosing myself with immaculate conception. I never shook the latter hobby, as on average I send a picture of my tonsils to my mother twice a week to make sure I’m not dying. It was fall 2014. The Houston air was transitioning from humid to slightly less humid, and I had traded in my Sperry’s for a darker look of a Miley Cyrus lob, and a Sharpie tattoo of a triangle that captured the essence of my new high school identity.

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