10 o’clock List: Ways That I Envy Freshman Me

Keiran, November 2018

I am old. I lay in bed, contemplating my life, thinking about my regrets, resigned to never being able to fix them. It feels like an eternity since I first arrived at Kenyon College, but also a mere blink of an eye. The young, vivacious, glowing boy I was two years ago barely resembles the frail, decrepit husk of a slightly older boy I am today. Naturally, given all the time I have alone with my thoughts these days I choose to dwell on my regrets.

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Hello Freshmen! Welcome to “The Truman Show”

Hello and welcome to your orientation for being an extra on The Truman Show! Congratulations on this exciting opportunity. While you won’t be financially compensated (in fact we’ll charge you to be here), the experience and exposure from this job will translate into opportunities down the road! 

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It Happened To Me: My Mom Called Me A “Good Boy” For Having A Second Plate Of Dinner

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Author’s Note:

Well shit. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but something’s abound and it’s not a great something. However, it’s not a world-ending something. Keep your heads, don’t be dumb. I miss you all.

The Post, For Real Now:

I am a very good boy. I don’t mean to brag, but I brush my teeth twice a day and I eat all my vegetables. I am an extremely good boy. 

That being said, it’s been a while since anyone has told me I am a good boy. Therefore it came as a shock to me when, at a family meal, my dear mother commended me for eating two helpings of dinner by saying “good boy.” This vexed me. Continue reading

Kenyon Fowls

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If nothing else, Kenyon College is a strict gulag where deviation from social norms is met with quick and brutal retaliation. God I love it here. So, despite our social codes being mostly unwritten, I decided to jot down the Seven Deadly Kenyon sins. Also how they are directly related to birds. Tag yourself if you don’t fear being “ostrich-ized” by your peers. Continue reading