We might be waiting for the billionaire overlord(s) who run this campus to listen to us, BUT:
~~* THE WAIT TO APPLY TO THE THRILL IS OVER *~~
You’ve been pounding water all day. You have a plan of how to get from your 11:10 class to the real action fast. You finished your work so you could start drinking early afternoon, at the latest. You’re probably going to not remember 7:30 on because you’re still a dumb freshman. That’s right: it’s Sendoff time. We asked our lowly little first years what they expected from Sendoff, and here they are for your viewing pleasure.
The Housing Lottery has been the talk of the town for the last few weeks. An all-out bloodbath in the name of getting a south campus single, or an NCA with your friends, or even just a single in Mather, as long as you aren’t on the first floor. While I am a first year and had my rooming situation in place previously (thank you, sweet, sweet Zeta division housing), I am trying to feel empathic for those who have no options but to buddy up to a roommate-less friend of a friend in hopes of not getting the absolute worst possible option.
Because I’m a first year, I’ve only been here at Kenyon for like a minute and a half. This means that I never knew the Cove, have only been to Fiesta a handful of times and only went to the Deli when I was here for a summer program. From what I have heard, we are in dire times as it pertains to the food situation in our humble village. While I don’t know anything else, I still feel kind of shortchanged.
But, the one thing that redeems it all, my truest gift here at Kenyon still stands: the market sandwich. Oh, wow, how I love you, market sandwich. You have come to me in my time of need without fail, never breaking for a meal at a weird time because I don’t just want a sandwich during Extendo.
I don’t care how hard frat boys at state schools say they go because nobody goes harder than a freshman girl who has just broken up with her long-term boyfriend.
Well, shit. Here I am, going out tonight even though I have enough work to fill an entire weekend. Maybe it’s because I’m a first year and maybe it’s because I’m just a dumbass, but I thought I’d share my cocktail for this weekend that isn’t technically the weekend before finals but still feels just as stressful. Hope you drink this and think about your days of being hungover in the McBride bathroom and being asked “who do you know here?” when you walk into an NCA.
Garnished beer foam from an entirely tapped keg
A water bottle full of Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea from Peirce (alternative: water from the same fountain that just tastes vaguely like Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea)
Your roommate’s two days expired half and half
Wiggins Street Mocha after the ice has melted
Leftover chemical spill from the Market
Sweat from a shirtless Kenyon Lord Swimmer™
Amish cream cheese
Take a Peirce cup, and then return it immediately because you know it will never get actually back to Peirce and that’s wasteful and a real dick move, anyway. Find the cleanest cup in your dorm room and pour in two shots of vodka. Ask the girl down the hall from you if your Gender Studies paper is due at 5 pm or midnight on Sunday. When you hear it’s due at midnight, reassure yourself that going out tonight is a good idea. Take a sip of your drink and remember it is just a cup of vodka at this point. Find your mixer of choice and make a really shitty cocktail. Go to an all-campus not wearing enough clothes because you’re still trying to impress a romantic partner at this weird school. Jump up and down with your peers for a little, then go home and help aforementioned girl down the hall from you while she throws up.