Hey everyone, Guy Fieri here. Yes, I’m coming at ya from the great village of Gambier, Ohio. This is definitely REALLY me, and not a first-year Thrill writer who watched an alarming amount of Guy’s Grocery Games for “artistic research” and attempts to “get my voice right.”
Greetings my fellow purple-clad Gambier residents and Kenyon enthusiasts! With the holiday season fast approaching, there is no doubt that you are wracking your brain wondering what gifts to give. Struggle no more, because I have singlehandedly designed some unique Kenyon merch that will satisfy even your pickiest family members. I’ve pitched these ideas to the bookstore, but it is my understanding that they aren’t ready for a line of products so niche and experimental. Too bad for them. Consequently, I’m advertising them exclusively on The Kenyon Thrill. I accept payments through cash, Venmo, compliments, hugs, or basically any sort of general validation. Here are my ideas. After you see them, I’m sure you’ll have no choice but to tell me I’m good.
Before I get into this, I must assert that this story is a fully factual TRUE EXPERIENCE that I had during my second ever visit to Mount Vernon. There are no exaggerations, metaphors, or hyperboles. This is just my life. I have been crowned the rat king of Mount Vernon.
Here’s how it went down. Continue reading
In order to find the people you click with at Kenyon, you have to be willing to put yourself out there. And what I’ve learned during my two months on this hill is that “out there” usually means out of the comfort of your dorm and into your building’s common room. Maybe you could even find your future spouse there, scrolling through their phone on a 20-year-old leather couch, who knows! But while this is a sure possibility, it’s also likely that you’ll have to talk to a variety of characters before finding your people. These are just some of them.
I absolutely love Halloween. I love dressing up. I love watching scary movies. I especially love the book I recently purchased titled The Big Book of Ohio Ghost Stories. And up until recently, I thought I loved being scared. But for all the ghost stories I had loved reading, I myself had never lived one.
Hold on to your seats, because we at The Thrill obtained an advanced copy the newest YA hit: Finding Middlepath. This 100% real, verifiably true summary comes straight from the ever-flowing pen of Kenyon’s most esteemed export, the metaphor man himself, John Michael Green. Read it and weep.
College freshman Philander Mather-McBride is exceptionally ordinary. He plans to live the rest of his life with his only personality traits being his freckles and the fact that he has read Catcher in the Rye once. That is, until he meets enigmatic junior Koko Rivers. Koko is eccentric and unconventionally beautiful (you know, the type of beautiful that makes her attainable to a very boring guy). She divides her time between aimlessly frolicking through the cornfields of their rural Ohio campus and talking to the rat she found in her NCA.
And then, one magical Deb Ball night, Koko invites Philander into her world. And his life changes forever.
I know what you’re wondering. Yes, I made this decision consciously and voluntarily. I ate at Chilito’s, our on-campus Mexican restaurant, for three consecutive nights. And I know what else you’re wondering. The truth is, I don’t really know why either. But the best way to bring you and I closer to understanding why I did what I did is to go back and reflect. Together, we’ll evaluate my fragile mental state, poor nutritional choices, and maybe even review some food. So here’s It Happened To Me: I Ate Chilito’s Three Nights in a Row. Alternatively titled Attempting to Substitute Guacamole for Psychotherapy, a Play in Three Acts.