I forced a bot to read over 1,000 Kenyon allstus and asked it to write an allstu. Here is the result:



A greeting to the Sad Children!

The Music Lessons march to their deadline like ominous ants. But– worry not, young Revelers:

[image result for John Green Contemplating. The teeth…they come out of hiding]

The registrar will cradle you gently until 4:69 PM

A sweet plea for your presence that does not reveal how desperate I truly am.


Signs off wetly,

Professor Spiderman



Which Search Term Brought YOU to the Kenyon Thrill?

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They say you always remember your first. Mine was a delectably gooey Monday Catchup by Grandma Thrill Mia Fox. But what was yours? Thanks to the great glory that is ~TecHNOloGY~ we were able to gather some of our favorite search terms that brought us our treasured readers. Tag yourself. I’m ‘peanut man.’

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10 o’clock list: Groups that will fight over the Great Wall on Campus

With the boarding up of Olin and Chalmers Library and a robust first-year class to boot, Kenyonites this year find themselves scrambling for coveted study spaces. Where are we to weep over esoteric theory readings? How will we disrupt our peers with our ill-timed and ill-placed procrastination chatter? Fret not, children, for though God Gund taketh, he also giveth us a hundred yards of free, fresh, plywood real estate. And thus the turf wars to end all turf wars was born! Who will conquer the campus’ great ass wall? Here are a few of our favorite picks:

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What Your Favorite Construction Ditch to Cry in Says About You


Time to break out your ponchos and waterproof your laptops for behold: finals week is upon us! Whether you’ve got tests or you’ve got papers, whether it’s one thing or four, we’re all on this screaming struggle bus to hell-town together, but crying on the third floor of the library is overdone and sobbing in the graveyard is cliche. If your prime crying location has gotten stale, fret not, for the Kenyon 2020 plan has graced us with new real estate to drench in tears. Lucky for you, I’ve tried all four of them out.

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The Thrill’s favorite comments 2017-2018


The sad day of the Kenyon Thrill’s annual summer hiatus approaches. You may ask yourself, what will I do without The Thrill and their haha-so-relatable verging on neo-dada content? And Reader, while I offer no answers to such a weighty question, I ask that you accept, on behalf of all of us at the Thrill, our thanks.

We’ve had our ups and downs, you’ve been with us through thick and thin, and today we pay tribute to YOU, yes, you, Reader, for your undying love and support.

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Kenyon English Department announces big changes for Senior comps

Kenyon English Department announces big changes for Senior comps

That’s right, the rumors are true! As unconfirmed by English Department Chair Professor Sarah Heidt, the Kenyon English program is doing away with the notorious senior exam and replacing it with a different, more comprehensive test of arbitrary knowledge.

In an effort to cater towards the diverse learning styles and academic skills of the class of ’19 and all future classes to come, the department will now offer a variety of different project options for the senior capstone such as:

  1. Consuming the canon: an eating contest where the first three students to literally eat all of Milton’s Paradise Lost graduate with high honors. All finishers graduate with a degree.
  2. Advanced Texting like an English Major: Can you spell “iridocyclitis”? This capstone project is all about whether you can pass the Scripps Fifth Grade spelling bee list. Start brushing up on those pesky three-syllable long words today!
  3. Senior Honors with Piers Brown: In this traditional senior seminar, everything in the curriculum is the same as pre-Kenyon2020 plan English department except you write all your assignments and examinations in crayon. Hot tip: word on the street is that Piers Brown’s favorite color for students to use is “Beaver Musk.”
  4. Contemporary popular media: it’s just a close reading of that John Green/Josh Radnor fanfiction piece that went around earlier this year.
  5. Independent Study: Two words: solitary confinement. The most mysterious of all the options, those who pursue this track are locked up in their own room in Bexley Hall to do god knows what. It’s assumed you graduate with a degree even though no one ever sees your sorry soul ever again.

Students intending on graduating with a creative writing emphasis will also see their track undergoing major changes.

“We’ve decided that the creative writing capstone project should be limited to the genre of anime fanfiction,” said Sarah Heidt never. “We are trying to produce the next John Green here after all.”

The class of ’19 reacted favorably to the news.

“Elise, this is clickbait,” said Chris Raffa ’19 in regards to the not-announced English Department changes

This is a developing story.

Wiggin Street Coffee to release new light roasts!

Wiggin Street Coffee to release new light roasts!

They’re here! Wiggin Street’s new line of light roasts was released this past week, and they’ve been a hit on campusspecifically, a smashing and much needed hit to this campus’s overblown ego! Whether you’re a coffee person or something other than carbon-based, there’s a new Wiggin’s light roast for everybody. The baristas customize each one! Here are a few of our favorites:

  1. “Plain latte! Decafe to match your personality: all aesthetic no substance!”
  2. “I recreated your male pattern baldness in the cappuccino art”
  3. “Please take a shower.”
  4. “I know you asked for it iced, but you’re already frigid as hell.”
  5. “You asked for tea, so I spit in this cup a few times and stirred it around with my thumb—which has been up my butt—because that’s basically the same thing as Earl Gray.”
  6. “Just take your pumpkin spice, clogs, and white feminism and leave.”
  7. “Mudslide latte. Speaking of which, for the love of god flush after you’re done with the bathroom. And eat a damn banana every once and a while.”