I Propose A Social Experiment

Hello all. I declare a drought. No, I am not implying that there is any sort of water crisis plaguing central Ohio. Or that we are entering the sequel to the Dust Bowl.  In all honesty, I wish that was the case. This, my friends, is far more pressing. I suppose it isn’t technically regarded as a “crisis”, however, I can no longer hold back my strong discontent with the set of eligible bachelors at Kenyon College. Upon undergoing the grueling college process, I was promised that I would be a big fish placed in a tiny, yet crystal clear pond filled with new eye candy. However, going on year two, I feel like a fish gasping for air in an above ground pool that has been drained.

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The Ransom Notes Have Taken Their First Hostage (It’s Me!)

Original Art By Michael Audet ’20, but props to Stock Photo Chair Guy too

Well folks, I hope you missed hearing about Kenyon acapella, because they are back and louder than ever. Coming at you like the unholy child of a broken record and a faulty radio that only plays unintelligible word fragments, college acapella has never been more missed on the Kenyon College Campus. Also, the Kenyon College Ransom Notes are standing over me as I write! For every star I give them, I get to keep one of my fingernails.

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BREAKING NEWS: Kenyon Announces “Fuck Them Kids”

Oh, dear Kenyon, you have decided to disappoint us once again. You have decided to move our graduation to before finals.

This brings forth a few questions:

  • If seniors are graduating before our final grades are in, what does that mean for students who are relying on their final grades for graduating with honors?
  • Do we just leave after our finals are done? Or before?
  • What are you going to give us in the care package? A water bottle and a digitally signed card by Sean Decatur?

Thank you for yet again, Kenyon, for reminding all of your seniors that you simply do not care that we have any kind of special final moments on campus. I really appreciate that you have chosen to bring back the sophomores, and absolutely not give a shit about the seniors. I know this is an intensely difficult position, but your choices through the last four years (particularly your handling of COVID) has been ridiculous and short-sighted. It’s not even about the parents being here– it is the fact that I will still be working on my senior comprehensive exercises when I graduate. 

At Kenyon you will (watch the school be run like a cartoon college). Don’t ask me for money.