This catchup is about rare, strange, and special things that come about once in a lifetime, like this catchup and oxford commas. It’s also about other rare things I know about, like beauty, love, and your weekend. I know about beauty from when I looked in the mirror for the first time. I thought, “I need a word to describe the opposite of what I am seeing.” I learned about love when I looked up the word “lope” in the dictionary while writing a diary entry about when I saw a tall, thin dog running. Life is mysterious and fun that way. I learned about your weekend by asking, “How was your weekend?”
“Mid-week weekend was great! Actual weekend was a bust.”
The Gambier Deli is back in action, baby, and we all know what that means. We’ve got eggs. We’ve got some hot sammies. We’ve got that nice bearded man who works/lives there, and yesterday when I was treating myself to brunch he saw me and said, “Hey buddy, long time, how’s it going?” and I felt truly validated for the first time in my life.
Some of you never felt like you were funnier than your peers as a child, and it shows.
For those of you who did, APPLY TO THE THRILL.
Look, we’ve all seen it happen before, right? A student’s answering or asking a question, has a quick slip of the tongue, and accidentally calls a teacher Mom or Dad. It’s embarrassing, sure, but it happens. And yeah, okay, that usually happens when you’re maybe eleven years old or something, but do you really think it couldn’t also happen to you when you’re older? I think it could; in fact I live in constant fear of it. Could you imagine?
Well, I have imagined, so you don’t have to. Here’s a list of professors I’ve had at this school ranked by how likely I think it is that I might accidentally refer to them as Dad, and look like a real baby boy in the process. I am so terrified of any of them reading this somehow.
As you know, I am a biologist. As a result, I am all about science. That’s why, before I get into the meat of this catchup (which is chicken breast, because according to science, it is full of protein and makes us think of God’s gift to us all — human breasts), I want to address the question that’s been on the minds of biologists, philosophers, and Chris Raffa for centuries: Are women funny? I know what you’re thinking. “I can’t believe you’re buying so heavily into the gender binary, Mia. Come on.” I know that you’re also thinking about something else. “Damn. Mia is funny and ~attractive~.” Moreover, I know that you are wondering why my ex dumped me. All these questions and concerns are being addressed by scientists like me. For now my response comes in the form a question: How was your weekend?
“I prepared for doomsday.”