We Relive Our Summer Nightmares So You Feel Better About Yours: Act I

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Check out my hot summer bod

Hey! How was your summer?!

Good! How was yours?

This week The Thrill staff welcomes you back to our glorious, digital publication by reliving summer 2019’s low moments because nothing unifies this campus like the love of Kenyon our mother and shared trauma.

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Nate’s Final Cookbook

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Hello everyone, once again, and for the very last time, it’s your friend Nate here, and oh boy do I have a recipe for you today. Something good, something kind, something for everyone to remember me by because–that’s right–this is the final installment of everyone’s favorite segment, Nate’s Cookbook. This is my farewell to the culinary world, and in many ways to all of you (but also check back tomorrow for a proper farewell from Elise and I).

 

So, without further ado, let’s get cooking.

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10 o’clock list: Ways To Continue Crane Worship Off-campus

It’s that time of the year again. Most of us are leaving campus. Leaving campus means many things, saying farewell to professors, friends, but most importantly it means leaving the sight of the two great deities of campus. Whatever we are doing once we leave there will be many distractions and things which we are tempted to use to fill the whole of the cranes in our hearts. But take heart friends, there are ways to mitigate the heartache and to show the cranes that wherever you are you are thinking of them

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Student will eat ass but won’t drink Peirce coffee

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iStock babyyy

 

For many students on campus, Peirce’s unlimited coffee is an affordable way to get a quick caffeine fix, but not for Linda Plopper ‘19, president of the ADs (Ass Devourers).

“I wish Peirce coffee tasted like ass,” said Plopper, “It’s so burned. It tastes like caffeinated stinky. Just because I like to toot the rusty old trombone on the weekends doesn’t mean I want to drink hot shit.”

The ADs are an on-campus student group committed to promoting the culinary pleasures of eating cake of the tushy-variety. Striving to destigmatize butt munching, the ADs host a variety of events ranging from sex positivity discussions to bake sales—but their most recent campaign is dedicated to replacing the coffee in Peirce with something more palatable. So why have the ADs taken such a strong stance against Peirce coffee?

“It turns the body into a straw: in through the mouth, straight out the butt,” explained Plopper. “And given our particular lifestyle, we would like to refrain from experiencing Peirce coffee secondhand.”

The ADs have been tabeling every day this week in the Peirce atrium. In a more controversial demonstration, AD members emptied the coffee dispensers and filled bathroom urinals and toilets with coffee and coffee grounds. AVI has yet to make a formal response to the ADs’ demands.     

The ADs meet Sunday (or as they like to call it, Bunday) 11.45PM in Asscension Hall.

A Final Paper Written by a Bot

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a robot, an intellectual powerhouse, the next generation of scholar

I fed a bot papers about

  • the childhood of the Buddha (my capstone)
  • the Finnish Great Depression
  • an anthropological analysis of how first-year college students do laundry
  • uh, psychology
  • Claudia Rankine
  • Othello
  • David Foster Wallace and Cormac McCarthy
  • Irish beer, literally

and just mashed around until something came out. Below is a five-paragraph essay written by a bot (and me)

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