Student will eat ass but won’t drink Peirce coffee

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iStock babyyy

 

For many students on campus, Peirce’s unlimited coffee is an affordable way to get a quick caffeine fix, but not for Linda Plopper ‘19, president of the ADs (Ass Devourers).

“I wish Peirce coffee tasted like ass,” said Plopper, “It’s so burned. It tastes like caffeinated stinky. Just because I like to toot the rusty old trombone on the weekends doesn’t mean I want to drink hot shit.”

The ADs are an on-campus student group committed to promoting the culinary pleasures of eating cake of the tushy-variety. Striving to destigmatize butt munching, the ADs host a variety of events ranging from sex positivity discussions to bake sales—but their most recent campaign is dedicated to replacing the coffee in Peirce with something more palatable. So why have the ADs taken such a strong stance against Peirce coffee?

“It turns the body into a straw: in through the mouth, straight out the butt,” explained Plopper. “And given our particular lifestyle, we would like to refrain from experiencing Peirce coffee secondhand.”

The ADs have been tabeling every day this week in the Peirce atrium. In a more controversial demonstration, AD members emptied the coffee dispensers and filled bathroom urinals and toilets with coffee and coffee grounds. AVI has yet to make a formal response to the ADs’ demands.     

The ADs meet Sunday (or as they like to call it, Bunday) 11.45PM in Asscension Hall.

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10 o’clock list: Reviews of New Movies that I Haven’t Seen

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I haven’t seen any of the movies I have reviewed, but I am psychic so these are definitely accurate.  The rating metrics should be self-explanatory and if they aren’t, go read a book.

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New and Improved Roommate Pairing Questionnaire

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credit: Apple, their Apple Pencil (2nd Generation), a pencil, made of ghosts (probably), this is how they actually marketed it

 

Dear The Office of Residential Life,

It has been several years since my last confession. Though I work for you, I feel as if I could do more to work with you. I am a simple person with simple skills. I can ask politely for things I am paying for. I can put an unlimited amount of raw Sriracha in my tiny, tiny mouth. I can peel an orange in one seamless ribbon but usually I can’t. This is my effort to bring my passion for putting people into broad categories (ie. astrology, MBTI, sorting-hat) to you, The Office formally known as Residential Life. Below are what I believe to be some questions which which truly bring insight to the Roommate Pairing Process. You can reach me at wordpress.com, or at your local Post Office.

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A Kenyon Klothes Swap Vol. V

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Welcome to WWE (stands for Kenyon Klothes Swap) featuring Tyler “Ron “Big Body” Matthews”  Raso and Ellie “Caitlin “Rock Lobster” Martin” Melick. Fortunately we are lovers, not fighters, so instead of competing we gave each other makeovers.

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10 o’clock list: Peirce Aphrodisiacs

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alamy babyyy

Sure we’ve all heard of oysters, strawberries, and chocolates as aphrodisiacs, food to fuel your sex drive. But if you’re on a budget this Valentine’s Day and still looking to get sultry with a special someone, we all know that fresh fruit and seafood is hard to come by in the servery. That’s why we here at the Thrill have put together a list of alternative Peirce aphrodisiacs that are sure to liven up the libido. Alternatively titled, a List of Foods to Get You in the Mood, here’s the Thrill’s science certified list of Peirce foods to help make this year’s Valentine’s day extra sexy and special.

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Reading Recommendations (from Strangers) Based on How Much You Like to Cry

woman_cryingThe weather’s gross, work is gross, life is gross. Faced with these facts of life I decided to ask strangers on middle path for book recommendations that might make me cry. Here’s what they said:

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How to Tell When Your Professor Thinks You’re the Absolute Worst and What to Do About It

How to Tell When Your Professor Thinks You’re the Absolute Worst and What to Do About It

We’ve all been there.  It’s the end of the semester and suddenly you think, “what if my professor thinks I’m the worst?” And sometimes you were right and you were the worst and your professor 100% knew it. And other times maybe you just gave off bad vibes but really weren’t that much of an asshole but they just didn’t see past the bad vibes. However it happened, to avoid this situation and to prevent this from happening ever again, I recommend a two-pronged approach during the semester.

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