BREAKING NEWS: Kenyon Announces “Fuck Them Kids”

Oh, dear Kenyon, you have decided to disappoint us once again. You have decided to move our graduation to before finals.

This brings forth a few questions:

  • If seniors are graduating before our final grades are in, what does that mean for students who are relying on their final grades for graduating with honors?
  • Do we just leave after our finals are done? Or before?
  • What are you going to give us in the care package? A water bottle and a digitally signed card by Sean Decatur?

Thank you for yet again, Kenyon, for reminding all of your seniors that you simply do not care that we have any kind of special final moments on campus. I really appreciate that you have chosen to bring back the sophomores, and absolutely not give a shit about the seniors. I know this is an intensely difficult position, but your choices through the last four years (particularly your handling of COVID) has been ridiculous and short-sighted. It’s not even about the parents being here– it is the fact that I will still be working on my senior comprehensive exercises when I graduate. 

At Kenyon you will (watch the school be run like a cartoon college). Don’t ask me for money.

Advice for Kenyon Kids: Just Try Being Normal

Before you come at me, I already know– it’s not original to clown on liberal arts kids. But if going to school in Gambier has taught me anything, it’s that Kenyon breeds a unique kind of weird. I can’t help but reflect on how this strangeness has impacted my peers and I, for better or for worse. In the hopes of eliminating the “worse,” I have become an advice blogger for the day and crafted a fool-proof list of ways to just be normal. So listen up, fools.

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Oops, Google Meets Glitched and My Professor is Now an Unspeakable Mass of Flesh

Juan Gris, “Portrait of Pablo Picasso,” 1912
Oil on canvas, on Google Meets

Here I sit in my English seminar, taking in the blissful college life at Kenyon College. Except today, that life has been trapped inside my laptop, and made prisoner of the manifold abomination framed in green on the Google Meet.

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