Making friends and meeting people can sometimes be hard, but it’s very important to not just settle for any old person. If you think the crazies are wandering the streets of NYC late at night, you’re wrong. They’re the ones who live down the hall, share a class with you, wait in front of you in the line at Wiggins, and who you give a slight nod to when walking down middle path. They are always nearby, under the radar, so in order to help you filter them out, here are red flags to look out for in your peers:
You want an internship? You want a union? Go, fetch! Kidding. Because you can’t have either of those. I have a resumé but some of these seem to be the only jobs I’m qualified for, at best. Here’s the roster.
Oh, dear Kenyon, you have decided to disappoint us once again. You have decided to move our graduation to before finals.
This brings forth a few questions:
If seniors are graduating before our final grades are in, what does that mean for students who are relying on their final grades for graduating with honors?
Do we just leave after our finals are done? Or before?
What are you going to give us in the care package? A water bottle and a digitally signed card by Sean Decatur?
Thank you for yet again, Kenyon, for reminding all of your seniors that you simply do not care that we have any kind of special final moments on campus. I really appreciate that you have chosen to bring back the sophomores, and absolutely not give a shit about the seniors. I know this is an intensely difficult position, but your choices through the last four years (particularly your handling of COVID) has been ridiculous and short-sighted. It’s not even about the parents being here– it is the fact that I will still be working on my senior comprehensive exercises when I graduate.
At Kenyon you will (watch the school be run like a cartoon college). Don’t ask me for money.
But I’m sorry guys, I’m his favorite. This might be a tough pill to swallow, but Saint Nick and I have history that I’m pretty sure none of you can touch, even you with your multi-religious, menorah and tree-bearing Willamsburg apartments.
The Kenyon Thrill 