You want an internship? You want a union? Go, fetch! Kidding. Because you can’t have either of those. I have a resumé but some of these seem to be the only jobs I’m qualified for, at best. Here’s the roster.
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Oh, dear Kenyon, you have decided to disappoint us once again. You have decided to move our graduation to before finals.
This brings forth a few questions:
Thank you for yet again, Kenyon, for reminding all of your seniors that you simply do not care that we have any kind of special final moments on campus. I really appreciate that you have chosen to bring back the sophomores, and absolutely not give a shit about the seniors. I know this is an intensely difficult position, but your choices through the last four years (particularly your handling of COVID) has been ridiculous and short-sighted. It’s not even about the parents being here– it is the fact that I will still be working on my senior comprehensive exercises when I graduate.
At Kenyon you will (watch the school be run like a cartoon college). Don’t ask me for money.
Maaaan, Santa loves the Jews.
But I’m sorry guys, I’m his favorite. This might be a tough pill to swallow, but Saint Nick and I have history that I’m pretty sure none of you can touch, even you with your multi-religious, menorah and tree-bearing Willamsburg apartments.
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Before you come at me, I already know– it’s not original to clown on liberal arts kids. But if going to school in Gambier has taught me anything, it’s that Kenyon breeds a unique kind of weird. I can’t help but reflect on how this strangeness has impacted my peers and I, for better or for worse. In the hopes of eliminating the “worse,” I have become an advice blogger for the day and crafted a fool-proof list of ways to just be normal. So listen up, fools.
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