Reaccreditation Team Impressed by Kenyon’s New Traveling Circus

Welcome back to The Thrill, Kenyon’s most trusted source for campus news. Last week, the team of college faculty that came to accredit our humble little school was pleasantly surprised by the traveling circus established specifically for the occasion. A group of Kenyon dance majors was sent to the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks for the week leading up to the big event, subsidized by Allison Janney ‘82, who is currently reprising her role as C.J. Cregg in The West Wing in real life as Press Secretary Jen Psaki. 

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Happy anniversary covid :)

Wowee. Just to think. One year ago today we were halfway through spring break freaking out cause the 6 p.m. Gambier coach was all booked. (Side thought, is the coach running this year? Do first-years know about the coach?) Actually literally one year ago today the University of Washington announced they were closing their campus for the rest of the semester and we were all like “dang, that sucks, glad I don’t go to that school.”

Ha.

Anyways, happy 1 year! The traditional first anniversary gift is paper. (Side thought again, who came up with that?) What paper gifts are you getting? I’m buying surgical masks. Close enough!

BREAKING NEWS: Kenyon Announces “Fuck Them Kids”

Oh, dear Kenyon, you have decided to disappoint us once again. You have decided to move our graduation to before finals.

This brings forth a few questions:

  • If seniors are graduating before our final grades are in, what does that mean for students who are relying on their final grades for graduating with honors?
  • Do we just leave after our finals are done? Or before?
  • What are you going to give us in the care package? A water bottle and a digitally signed card by Sean Decatur?

Thank you for yet again, Kenyon, for reminding all of your seniors that you simply do not care that we have any kind of special final moments on campus. I really appreciate that you have chosen to bring back the sophomores, and absolutely not give a shit about the seniors. I know this is an intensely difficult position, but your choices through the last four years (particularly your handling of COVID) has been ridiculous and short-sighted. It’s not even about the parents being here– it is the fact that I will still be working on my senior comprehensive exercises when I graduate. 

At Kenyon you will (watch the school be run like a cartoon college). Don’t ask me for money.