New and Improved Roommate Pairing Questionnaire

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credit: Apple, their Apple Pencil (2nd Generation), a pencil, made of ghosts (probably), this is how they actually marketed it

 

Dear The Office of Residential Life,

It has been several years since my last confession. Though I work for you, I feel as if I could do more to work with you. I am a simple person with simple skills. I can ask politely for things I am paying for. I can put an unlimited amount of raw Sriracha in my tiny, tiny mouth. I can peel an orange in one seamless ribbon but usually I can’t. This is my effort to bring my passion for putting people into broad categories (ie. astrology, MBTI, sorting-hat) to you, The Office formally known as Residential Life. Below are what I believe to be some questions which which truly bring insight to the Roommate Pairing Process. You can reach me at wordpress.com, or at your local Post Office.

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A Kenyon Klothes Swap Vol. V

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Welcome to WWE (stands for Kenyon Klothes Swap) featuring Tyler “Ron “Big Body” Matthews”  Raso and Ellie “Caitlin “Rock Lobster” Martin” Melick. Fortunately we are lovers, not fighters, so instead of competing we gave each other makeovers.

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Becoming a Diamond on Old Bob’s Necklace of Kindness; An Insider’s Guide

diamond old bob    How can you become a diamond on Old Bob’s necklace of kindness? I honestly have no idea. He’s never even given me a second look when I walk up to the dessert section (which is frequently).

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10 o’clock List: Kenyon Smells

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Courtesy of: Wikipedia

Whether it be the aroma of your mom’s home cooking, or the calming scent of clothing fresh out of the dryer, there are some smells that just can’t be beat. But out here in good ol’ Gambier, much like the Twilight Zone, the rules don’t apply. In rural Ohio, your nose (and mental strength) are challenged like they have never been before. Here some of the of Kenyon’s many memorable smells:

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Ode to the Man I Saw Swallow a Cigarette on Middle Path

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where the cigarette went, probably

Tyler Raso

Professor Severus Snape

Magic, Mayhem, and Making Amends (but Not, Like, Urgently)

22 February 2019

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In this paper I will argue that I saw a man (stature of a fully grown corn stalk, backwards baseball cap, not really in a rush, alone) swallow an entire (100% of a) cigarette (lit). The day was Thursday (February 7th), and the time, lunch. I was walking southward on Middle Path, and the subject north. Point of contact: Ransom Hall. The weather was frog degrees and sticky tack was precipitating (lightly) from the sky. This was normal because it was an Ohio winter. I don’t have a thesis because this piece is more, like, exploratory. “Can the human experience truly be captured in language, the construction site of the psyche” (CITE). Someone at the Writing Center told me this paper was “full of, uhm, ideas” and then offered me a complementary candy (but they were out of dark chocolate Hershey Kisses). Because the straw prose of analytical writing couldn’t contain all my feelings, observations, ideologies, methodologies, insecurities, fondness for sea otters, suspicions, jazz music, sobriety, or overdue library books, I’ve decided to continue my paper in poetic form instead.

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Watching People Eat Shit on Middle Path is the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread

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The only good thing about this terrible cycle of cold, then show, then rain, then ice again is watching people fall on their asses. The dance that many do to avoid falling is almost just as funny. The “Oh I didn’t just fall on my ass” face is even funnier. Ultimately, I have seen my fair share of shit eaters. I can proudly say I have yet to fall on my face or ass yet, but I’m sure this article will induce some intense slipping karma.

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