Bad Kenyon Fanfic Chapter 1/?

Sean Decatur Adopted Me??!?!?!? (Featuring The Kenyon Lords Ice Hockey Team, Zayn Malik, and Mr. Krabs)

Chapter One:

It started out like any other morning. I woke up in my Norton dingle and put my totally drab brown hair into a messy bun. I start to put mascara on my eyes, which are the color of Peirce beef stroganoff, which I find kind of unsettling since I am vegan. Anyway, I stick in my polymer clay earrings, grab my kanken, and head out the door.

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How to Make Peace with the Fact that Your Parents are Normies

Woe! Your parents have betrayed you once again: they call your favorite 100 gecs songs “noise” that needs to be “turned off,” they go to bed by 10:00pm, they can’t wait for the inevitable post-presidency Biden memoir to drop, or they liken buying you medium toothbrushes to buying you cigarettes (they’re too harsh on your gums). If you managed to ignore it before, you’ve finally come to realize that your parents are indeed normies. It hurts, but lucky for you, I am more than willing to share some proven strategies to accept your parents for who they really are.

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Think vaccines are for sheeple and pushovers? Here are some alternative immunization tactics

So… you’re not getting vaccinated. Maybe you’re concerned about the three vaccines being FDA “authorized” and not “approved.” Maybe you have a phobia of needles. Maybe you’re complacent. Or maybe you just find it really empowering to walk around as a discrete biological weapon.

Cool.

You do you.

But if you’re going to opt out, consider some alternative methods to attain immunity.

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It Turns Out My In Person Class Has Been On Zoom This Whole Time

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First of all, I think it’s so cool that the Thrill finally put me on their webpage as a writer only after two and a half years! I was really worried they were going to demote me to the Thrill advisory position, which consists of getting coffee for the writers along with giving foot massages to the editorial staff. They had a bunch of eighth graders doing that stuff under the pretense of an internship, but all the eighth graders joined K-SWOC so the Thrill is totally screwed. If any of you reading this need an internship, please give me a call at 415-521-4622 and attach your resume (and yes, it’s unpaid you idiot).   

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