Woe! Your parents have betrayed you once again: they call your favorite 100 gecs songs “noise” that needs to be “turned off,” they go to bed by 10:00pm, they can’t wait for the inevitable post-presidency Biden memoir to drop, or they liken buying you medium toothbrushes to buying you cigarettes (they’re too harsh on your gums). If you managed to ignore it before, you’ve finally come to realize that your parents are indeed normies. It hurts, but lucky for you, I am more than willing to share some proven strategies to accept your parents for who they really are.Continue reading
So… you’re not getting vaccinated. Maybe you’re concerned about the three vaccines being FDA “authorized” and not “approved.” Maybe you have a phobia of needles. Maybe you’re complacent. Or maybe you just find it really empowering to walk around as a discrete biological weapon.
You do you.
But if you’re going to opt out, consider some alternative methods to attain immunity.Continue reading
First of all, I think it’s so cool that the Thrill finally put me on their webpage as a writer only after two and a half years! I was really worried they were going to demote me to the Thrill advisory position, which consists of getting coffee for the writers along with giving foot massages to the editorial staff. They had a bunch of eighth graders doing that stuff under the pretense of an internship, but all the eighth graders joined K-SWOC so the Thrill is totally screwed. If any of you reading this need an internship, please give me a call at 415-521-4622 and attach your resume (and yes, it’s unpaid you idiot).Continue reading
Close your eyes.
Somewhere, out in the woods, the distant call of a songbird beckons the dawn of a new day. Set against the white plaster, gentle streams of sunlight slowly drift across the walls of your room, boldly silhouetted against half-drawn blinds. Silently, the bed frame groans under pressure, as you roll over onto the far side of the mattress, straddling the cool wall with outstretched palms. Greedily you savor a final deep breath, holding firm, only relenting when you sense the wall release alongside you. You can feel it, right? You’re in sync. All that now lies between you and the brink of fulfillment is the hesitation of the morning mist. In a sudden burst, you return to your back, reach for your phone, and pry open teary eyes to check what time it is on this perfect March morning.Continue reading