alright everybody here’s the deal it’s thursday noon pm and all around me folks are finishing their finals meanwhile I just submitted one final project and had a final exam this morning and an exam yesterday morning and am just now sitting down to write forty pages of a full-length screenplay SO before I switch into aaron sorkin mode I must warm my poor ropey brain back up and to do that I’m gonna spit-ball some festive jell-o shot recipes or really jell-o shot concepts because how the fuck do you even make jell-o anyways?
The year was 2016, the Zika virus was afoot, Ryan Lochte lied about being robbed at gunpoint at the Rio Olympics, Kim Kardashian was actually robbed at gunpoint in Paris, and the class of 2020 settled into life at Kenyon. It may have only been around 4 years ago, but life was different and the time is ripe for us to lotion up our liver spots, pop in our orthopedic shoes, and chomp down on our dentures, as we reminisce about back in the day…
Like the holidays, social interactions are stressful and exhausting. To help get you through this holiday season, I’ve found the perfect gift for all of the B-plot relationships that make Kenyon, Kenyon. Happy Holidays!
I’m not sure how this bit started, but some friends and I committed to make a roller skating outing before the end of the semester. We did some research, found a place about 40 minutes away called Roll-A-Way Skating Center in Newark, Ohio, and –wow!– our research revealed the place was open 24-hours on Saturdays. Okay, yes, fair, that seems like a red flag, but we trusted it. Upon our arrival, at 11:30 AM, we felt an initial wave of panic. The place looked sketchy as hell. But, damn, the parking lot was PACKED, so we still had hope. When we entered the lobby, we felt our bodies transported to another dimension. Kids were everywhere, clutching beautifully wrapped birthday presents for some kid named Daniel. It was the aesthetic of the lobby that really did a number on us. It felt like a family-owned, run-down carnival ride that had been passed down to some weird nephew named Scotty in Grampy Herbert’s will, and that weirdo Scotty converted it into a 24-hour roller skating rink for birthday parties. But alas. There was a fatal flaw in our plan. From the darkness, an adult man with a goatee emerged, who I can only assume is weird-Scotty, and he said to us, “There’s a private party happening today. You get our hours on the Google?” to which we replied yes. He then over-explained his personal feud with the multi-national technology company. The word “insidious” was used a minimum of 3 times. He apologized and hoped that, for our sake, one day “Google will be sued out of existence!” Anyway, we fled the scene and drove another hour to a different skating rink. We made sure to call and confirm their public skate hours, because goddammit, we would not be duped by that insidious Google again!
Let’s face it: first semester Econ has been tough. You’ve neglected homework assignments, failed tests, and disappointed your professor — and, at this point, it seems like the registrar’s one-time “Mulligan” option might be your best bet at academic safety.
However, if you’re not into confrontation, chances are you’ve been considering the only other rational option: staging a home invasion, road tripping to Mexico, getting a job in a tinfoil factory, and maybe marrying a cute local to make yourself less suspicious in the eyes of the Mexican government.
Unsure of which to choose? Take this quiz to find out!