You’re going through an identity crisis. A breakup. Your gum got caught in your hair during a good old-fashioned Old Kenyon DFM (dancefloor makeout). Maybe you’re chopping off another useless three inches. Maybe you’re dyeing your ends to signal to the world that you’re dying inside. I’ve done it. You’ve done it. Let’s talk hairstyles that broadcast to the public that you are Struggling™.
There’s a girl. She sits in the back corner table at Peirce. She wears three winter coats over her silk pajama shirt. She hides behind a stack of last Sunday’s quesadillas. She cries tears of French Vanilla coffee. Legend has it that when you walk near her table to get a bit of ketchup for your sweet potato fries, you can even hear her whisper “Compssssss” in the breeze. I want to go to her. I want to press my finger against her trembling lips. I want to tell her: “Shh. There’s another way. There has to be another way.” I want to tell her about…
…The creative option.
Pictured above: the evil work of Editor Chris
So here’s the deal. We have undoubtably reached the point in the semester wherein everything feels like it is rapidly spiraling downhill. I haven’t seen the sun in at least 17 days, I’ve been told on multiple occasions that my Mather single smells like a barbershop (???), and one of my professors confessed she thought I was a completely different student on the roster 6 weeks into the school year. Yikes. No matter how many curveballs my semesters at Kenyon have thrown my way, there is always one thing I can count on. I will probably get a rash.
So…yeah. Here’s a list of things of the things on this campus that have given me a rash.
- The Health Center. Picture this: first year Erica. Finals week. Body wrecked with pneumonia. Has pulled at least 3 all-nighters. Time has literally lost all meaning (Note: to this day I still do not have the time displayed on my laptop sidebar because of this period). After being dragged to the health center by a concerned friend who stopped me on Middle Path, (“Erica…are you…alive?”) I received the iconic Health Center combination of a bag filled with cough drops and individually wrapped tylenols plus a Z-pack. While that Z-pack did not manage to give me the strength necessary to carry through the rest of the semester (I wound up at the Knox County Hospital), it did give me a rash across my entire body. So dope!
- The Weather. I don’t know what this is about, but any slight change in weather at Kenyon College results in my armpit skin deciding it no longer wanting to be a part of my body. It rains, my armpit peels. It’s hot? My armpits flake off. The wind blows? My armpit is molting.
- Every Deodorant I Have Ever Tried. I’ve gone through 4 deodorants this semester alone. This is less of a joke and much more a cry for help. Please. Oh god. Please.
- The Kokosing. Last year, I found myself skinny-dipping in the Kokosing with relative frequency, as most difficult workweeks ended with me sitting in Peirce declaring to no one in particular “I swear to God, if I’m not buttass naked baptizing myself in the Kokosing by the end of the night, I’m transferring.” Most nights, I stayed true to my word. Most mornings, I woke up itchy.
- We Live in a Cartoon College and I Am a Cartoon Human. Last semester, I threw up on middle path after simply eating a chocolate bar too quickly. The next morning, I woke up with a rash on my neck. So yeah, there’s that.
Hey, you! I haven’t seen you in forever! How is Stats going? Did you finally figure out what was causing that electrical humming in your room? No? Well, how’s your food situation? I heard that someone saw you crying outside of the Market while listening to the Monster Mash, but don’t worry, we’ve all been there. Here’s some advice for those cold nights when you forget that your source for Spongebob popsicles closes at 6 pm. Stay strong buddy, we’re all rooting for you.
It’s time to face the facts: we only have five days left in the semester at this place we’ve called “home” for the past couple of months. I for one am excited about returning to my place of birth, but here are some tips for those of you about to experience culture shock after Kenyon kicks us out. Continue reading
Man, oh Man! Life can get so frustrating sometimes! Luckily, there’s a cure for that. I don’t know what it is, but it’s probably $29.99 and if you call now you’ll get another one FREE! Now, especially, to deal with the mundanities of Kenyon, let me ask you a question: has THIS ever happened to you?
Let’s face it, this nation’s call to enfranchisement has caused Gambier to become what many are calling “The Hollywood of the Midwest”. From Lance Bass to the woman who looks like my mother (but happens to play a Russian mob-wife on TV), Kenyon has become a hotspot for all that vaguely glitters and all that’s somewhat gold in this election season. But, due to my chronic feelings of inadequacy, I need more! So, here’s a list of other strange and random celebrities who could waltz into Wiggin at any point in the upcoming weeks and ruin my chances at snatching a decent study table.