Why hello, my gentle brethren and sistren. If you’re currently enrolled at Kenyon, or have been in the past, you no doubt have memories of the arduous, misery-inducing application process. Nothing in my life has brought me more existential dread than sitting at my childhood kitchen counter, tearing my little hairs out strand by strand and trying to decide what “I would sculpt, given a block of clay,” or what “laid outside the borders of my map.” I found myself tossing and turning more vigorously in my bed at night. The never-ending screaming echoing inside my ears intensified. “What reason would they have to select a foolish sad sack such as myself?” I would think, over and over. Somehow I made it in, but to this day I wonder how I managed to slip through the cracks. Some like-minded Stanford students clearly felt the same way, and being unable to live another day pretending to feel normal decided to take matters into their own hands. No doubt they breathe a bit easier knowing that the judgements passed upon them are no longer so secret. Please humor me while I try to settle myself down by playing a bit of make-believe regarding my own file.

1. This applicant is clearly not interested in the correct fields of study, he’s neither planning to pursue courses in sculpture or cartography: If admissions were seeking candidates with those particular talents they should have just gone right out and told prospective students so, instead of espousing a desire to fill Kenyon’s hallowed halls with “individuals” and “free thinkers.” I guess the decision to eliminate this portion of the application does suggest that the process is becoming a bit more open minded.

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