In honor of our recent Kenyon fan fiction post, we here at the Thrill decided that maybe it’s time for us to emulate some of Kenyon’s more prestigious literary institutions such as the Kenyon Review or Kenyon Collegiate. That’s right, for the first time, we here at the Thrill are offering some original Kenyon themed fan fiction.
The Impossible Love
Allison, our plucky young heroine, sat alone at a booth in Wiggin Street Cafe. She was waiting for someone. As she waited, she idly swirled her spoon through her vanilla latte, contemplating things that Kenyon students think about – the guy she had stupidly texted Saturday night, her paper on Nietzsche, and her roommate who had spilled hot nacho cheese all over the floor and hadn’t cleaned it up.
She shook her head, wanting to rid herself of those thoughts. She needed to focus on her upcoming conversation. Today was the day she was going to finally tell Rutherford how she felt.
Allison Janney was in love with Rutherford B. Hayes and there was nothing she could do about it. Although she often doubted that it could work, she had to believe in it. If they couldn’t make it work, then love was dead.
Recently, I was reminded by my Thrill colleague’s timely roast of Rutherford B. Hayes that some seriously influential and somewhat baller people have graduated from Kenyon over the past hundred-odd years. With this knowledge dancing around in my brain box, I was compelled to ask: What would it be like if a bunch of successful alumni got together and had weird kids? Once that idea nugget poked its head out of the proverbial egg that is my skull, nothing could stop me from making my dream a reality. Man-man couplings that can’t produce children? Non-intersecting lifespans? WHO CARES. Let’s smash some faces together and see what we get.
According to Variety, Allison Janney ’82 has signed on to star in the Tim Burton-directed adaptation of Ransom Riggs’s ’01 novel Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Variety states that Janney will be playing a psychologist to Asa Butterfield’s teenage character. Whether or not this psychologist is the titular Miss Peregrine remains to be seen. The rest of the cast is almost as spectacular as Janney, and includes Samuel L. Jackson, Eva Green, and Ella Purnell. The film is set to be released on March 4, 2016. Let’s see if D-Cat sets up a Kenyon premiere a la that last Kenyon-centric film.
So, just about two weeks ago this year’s lineup for Sendoff was announced: Logic and Danny Brown. Now that you’ve had some time to let Social Board’s choice sink in, I ask you, dear readers, to consider an alternate universe in which the following magnificent men and wonderful women were chosen to provide entertainment for our enjoyment.
- Michael Jackson – They were able to get him for the 2014 Music Billboard Rewards, so why couldn’t we invite his hologram to perform for us?
Kenyon’s alumni are some of the best and brightest in the world (we happen to think). In this new feature, we’ll be celebrating some of our most beloved Kenyon alums with the highest honor any mortal can hope to achieve: notes/letters published on the Internet. Yes, that’s right, the Internet.
Dear Allison Janney,
Thank you for “setting the stage” for female actors at Kenyon. You are basically perfect; who could match the six Emmys, two Tonys, and Drama desk award? Honestly it’s a shame we don’t already have a building solely dedicated to your presence and talent. Also, thank you for guiding me through my childhood with Finding Nemo, 10 Things I hate about you, Hairspray, and Juno. Speaking of 10 Things, I appreciate your hidden reference for the Kenyon Cats with your cat mug. Continue reading
This post was co-authored by Claire Berman ’16 and Emma Specter ’15.
As you may be aware, Honors Day was today, and just to answer the question you’re all asking yourselves — no, the Thrill didn’t win anything, but it would have been an honor just to be nominated. (We weren’t. It’s fine. Whatever.) However, we do have some suggestions as to categories that, for whatever reason, weren’t brought up this year — we’re confident that by next spring’s awards, all of these categories will be formally awarded to the most deserving candidates.
1. “The Jean Dunbar Caples Award for Staying in Your Room All The Time”