I forced a bot to read over 1,000 Kenyon allstus and asked it to write an allstu. Here is the result:



A greeting to the Sad Children!

The Music Lessons march to their deadline like ominous ants. But– worry not, young Revelers:

[image result for John Green Contemplating. The teeth…they come out of hiding]

The registrar will cradle you gently until 4:69 PM

A sweet plea for your presence that does not reveal how desperate I truly am.


Signs off wetly,

Professor Spiderman



Seniors Reminisce: The Great AllStu War of 2013

In the cold darkness of February 2013, a scourge descended upon Kenyon and laid waste to our tiny school. A simple AllStu, entitled “131 Assassins so far. Are you one?” unleashed a chaos that devoured countless Kenyon emails accounts. What was just an invitation to play an all-campus game became a wasteland of over 120 replies, many of them crying to be released from the chain. While most of the digital fracas was contained to the night of February 27th, the last reply was not sent until more than a month later, on April 5th. We asked a few seniors what they remember about the infamous AllStu War.

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A Week of Allstu: One Group’s Journey Through a Week of Campus Events

One highlight of the week was a cancelled BFEC hike. Instead of retreating, Rochelle and Cusick ended up going on a self-guided hike through the BFEC. (Photo via Wikipedia Commons)

How many Allstu emails do you delete in a week? Probably too many. When first-year Mary Sawyer realized she was deleting more emails than she kept, she was unhappy. “I came to college thinking I was going to do a lot, and then by week two, if I saw an allstu I deleted that.” It was then that she and a group of friends decided to do the impossible: go to every event advertised by email for one week.

The idea started as a joke, when Henry Uhrik ’18 wondered “how many friends we’d make if we went to all of them,” but quickly formulated as a scheme that Uhrik, and Sawyer, along with first-years Ramsey Brown, Alice Cusick, Jenna Rochelle, and Austin Smith would take part in. Using Google Drive, the group created a schematic of over fifty events that they would attend, including everything from Kickboxing at the KAC to “Writing Mussolini: II Duce’s American Biographies on Paper and Screen, 1922-1936.” Continue reading

10 o’clock list: Inappropriate Responses to Your Professors’ Emails

via giphy.gif

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re going abroad next semester! You have the sophomore slump! Your athlete’s foot traveled to your armpits! Whatever. So you’ve got problems and the whole kit and kaboodle. And then your professor emails you about a lecture you should attend or homework you should do or, maybe, just about how she knows that you’re picking your nose in class and wiping it on the table–slowly sculpting your gooey fluids into a shrine of the person in front of you. That’s 100% some nasty-ass creepy shit, man. Anyway. Before you reply, make sure your turkey brain isn’t talking and don’t respond in the following ways:

1. Allstu all the way. ‘Twas the night before class and all through the dorm, no one was stirring, except some dude watching porn. Continue reading

Weekend Playlist: Welcome Back/What You Missed

This weekend’s playlist is one part welcome back/one part what you missed this summer. Shake well for best results:

What you missed:

Slaptop, aka Luke Frisher ’13, has had a very eventful summer having one remix hit number one on HypeMachine and a second get placed on the new Maroon 5 album (see: ZinePack edition, available at WalMart). This single features Professor Ted Buehrer on trumpet!  Continue reading

Once Upon an Allstu

typewriter gif

“She lived alone except for a nameless cat.”

This is the first piece in an occasional series in which we construct a story entirely from the content and subject lines of Allstu emails. 

Once upon an Allstu, Jeff, a luckless young security guard, was drawn into a local murder investigation, loyalties were strained to the breaking point. During Deball, he went to see the Lord Kenyon Participants.

“Want to BE A STAR?!”, they said, “the Art Department is offering Open Figure Drawing Sessions! If we work hard enough, we can all shape the world exactly the way we want it to be.”

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10 o’clock list: Speculation Behind the Nuge Poster


“Take me home”, she says.

Rather than the typical black Northface and wallet, somebody lost an 8×10 portrait of the Nuge last weekend. It was late Sunday afternoon when Dyer Pierce ’14 emailed the student body to inquire if anybody had lost a picture of Former President S. Georgia Nugent near the New Apts parking lot. In the usual sea of pleas for lost jackets, phones, keys, wallets, hats, and friends, Pierce’s email stood out. HAHAHA what. Why would you have a portrait of the Nuge? Well, nobody seems to know–and so far, nobody has claimed the portrait. In an attempt at investigative journalism, we present some speculation about the scene of the crime and its victim:

  1. It’s like Stonehenge. Nobody knows how it got there. Nobody knows what it means. Aliens? Definitely Aliens. Continue reading