My Ideas For Kenyon Merch But They Are Bad

Greetings my fellow purple-clad Gambier residents and Kenyon enthusiasts! With the holiday season fast approaching, there is no doubt that you are wracking your brain wondering what gifts to give. Struggle no more, because I have singlehandedly designed some unique Kenyon merch that will satisfy even your pickiest family members. I’ve pitched these ideas to the bookstore, but it is my understanding that they aren’t ready for a line of products so niche and experimental. Too bad for them. Consequently, I’m advertising them exclusively on The Kenyon Thrill. I accept payments through cash, Venmo, compliments, hugs, or basically any sort of general validation. Here are my ideas. After you see them, I’m sure you’ll have no choice but to tell me I’m good.

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I MISS OLIN DON’T YOU?

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I’m just gonna go right out there and say it…. I miss Olin. Yes. I miss that ugly looking, depressing, cinder block palace and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Walking past the wall, ash falling from the sky, I think back to a time when I had a finite location to procrastinate, bother people in periodicals, and draw on whiteboards I never needed to be touching at all. It’s a sad fact that the mods just don’t do it for me like good old Olin. Olin was sexier, cooler, more low key. I have desperately attempted to find my “spot” for this year’s studying. I tested the waters of multiple locations and yet somehow most all of them failed me.

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An Exposé on Love, Mail Crime, and Kenyon’s Finest

 

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Very loosely based on a true story 

It’s a fine fall/summer/swelteringly hot day of 90 degrees at Kenyon. You’re walking down the street and the birds, or should I say the construction sounds, are screeching and you’re headed to the bookstore to pick up your package. It’s your birthday. Mom sent you a box which you can speculate is probably filled with candy, cough drops, cough medicine, allergy medicine, tea, more tea, some more tea, your retainer that you “forgot at home”, and finally your birthday present which is a nice fat check. You stroll into the bookstore, down the stairs, and you wait on line behind all the sweaty students until finally it’s your turn. You say your name casually looking down at your phone, but wait there’s more. As the nice woman begins to inform you that they don’t have your package your heart begins to sink. Not have my package?? It’s my birthday! I got an email! You begin to explain the situation. You show them your email you state your name. With a confused look the nice woman breaks the news: Someone. Stole. Your. Package.

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What’s Really Happening Behind the Fence

They told us that the construction behind the fence (in between Pierce and Olin) is to set up study spaces for when they tear down the library. But remember that time when the government said there was no such thing as Area 51? Exactly. So, what is really going on behind the fence? Here are the most likely theories:

1. Meth lab. Apparently the stuff is very addictive. This school is in rural Ohio afterall. Think about it.

2. Private residences for Decatur. It’s common knowledge that President Decatur feels that his current home isn’t close enough to the action on campus. Yes, he can see middle path from his bedroom window, but he can’t really see it from that far away.

3. Plot twist: the bookstore is secretly the new library and those trailers are going to become our new bookstore. Why else would this new “bookstore” have so many tables where people can study? Why else would it have so many books?

4. The trailers have no real function, they are just an attempt at changing the Kenyon aesthetic. People are tired of old Gothic collegiate architecture and stunning tree lined walkways and luscious plots of grass. Trailers are the one and only addition to this campus that will draw perspective students. Trailers and no library. If that won’t increase the number of applicants this year, nothing else will.

5. This is just part of a nationwide social experiment examining how wealthy, privileged millennials react when they are slightly inconvenienced.

6. It’s one of those “The Emperor’s New Clothes” illusions where there actually aren’t any trailers at all but none want to be the person that doesn’t see them so the lie is perpetuated.