Student will eat ass but won’t drink Peirce coffee

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For many students on campus, Peirce’s unlimited coffee is an affordable way to get a quick caffeine fix, but not for Linda Plopper ‘19, president of the ADs (Ass Devourers).

“I wish Peirce coffee tasted like ass,” said Plopper, “It’s so burned. It tastes like caffeinated stinky. Just because I like to toot the rusty old trombone on the weekends doesn’t mean I want to drink hot shit.”

The ADs are an on-campus student group committed to promoting the culinary pleasures of eating cake of the tushy-variety. Striving to destigmatize butt munching, the ADs host a variety of events ranging from sex positivity discussions to bake sales—but their most recent campaign is dedicated to replacing the coffee in Peirce with something more palatable. So why have the ADs taken such a strong stance against Peirce coffee?

“It turns the body into a straw: in through the mouth, straight out the butt,” explained Plopper. “And given our particular lifestyle, we would like to refrain from experiencing Peirce coffee secondhand.”

The ADs have been tabeling every day this week in the Peirce atrium. In a more controversial demonstration, AD members emptied the coffee dispensers and filled bathroom urinals and toilets with coffee and coffee grounds. AVI has yet to make a formal response to the ADs’ demands.     

The ADs meet Sunday (or as they like to call it, Bunday) 11.45PM in Asscension Hall.

I Drank 10 SToK Caffeine Shots Just To See What Would Happen

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***DISCLAIMER***PLEASE READ***

I, Elinor Davis Melick, am SOLELY responsible for my own bad decisions. The Thrill is not liable for any adverse health effects I may experience as a result of this experiment, and The Thrill staff in no way endorses or condones excessive caffeine consumption, not even for the sake of content. Continue reading

Actually Yummy Peirce Hacks: Wiggins Street Mocha

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So, most of us drink coffee. The sweet, sweet bitter drink that makes you work like something has grabbed hold of your mind and shoved it into a bucket of water and electrocuted it. Or maybe that’s just me. Anyway, being on this good Episcopalian campus, we must walk down Middle Path at least a billion times a day, and on this walk we must pass Wiggin Street Coffee.

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The Thrill Rates Energy Drinks

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Hello, my fellow caffeine fiends! The end of the year has finally arrived and I can see many late nights and early mornings in our collective future. Personally, I’m a big fan of brightly colored energy drinks for getting through the insane amounts of work that we all have. My high school friends and I have been compiling a list of the best and worst energy drinks since we were first years, and it is now time to publish what we have learned. Here, to aid your indecisiveness and desire for the best of the best, are our well-researched ratings of energy and coffee drinks available at Kenyon. And while you’re at the Market, why not buy some ramen and wine (lists coming later this week!) to go along with your caffeinated poison? Continue reading

A Wiggin Street Music Analysis

A Wiggin Street Music Analysis
A friend once hypothesized that the music at Wiggin Street Coffee is chosen by creating a playlist with your eyes closed, pressing shuffle, throwing it violently at the back wall, and hoping for the best. Another friend said, “Whenever they put Sarah Barreilles on, I leave.” I spent an afternoon in Wiggin, straining my ears to see if I could make sense of their musical taste.

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How to Get Hot Brown Water For 75 cents

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We’ve all seen this fascinating machine at one point or another on our way to print something in Gund Commons. It lives, covered in dust, constantly being passed by hundreds of students each day. One day, I thought the unthinkable – Can this machine actually be used? Does it dispense the Gourmet Coffee it advertises? I knew I had to find out.

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