What’s Really Happening Behind the Fence

They told us that the construction behind the fence (in between Pierce and Olin) is to set up study spaces for when they tear down the library. But remember that time when the government said there was no such thing as Area 51? Exactly. So, what is really going on behind the fence? Here are the most likely theories:

1. Meth lab. Apparently the stuff is very addictive. This school is in rural Ohio afterall. Think about it.

2. Private residences for Decatur. It’s common knowledge that President Decatur feels that his current home isn’t close enough to the action on campus. Yes, he can see middle path from his bedroom window, but he can’t really see it from that far away.

3. Plot twist: the bookstore is secretly the new library and those trailers are going to become our new bookstore. Why else would this new “bookstore” have so many tables where people can study? Why else would it have so many books?

4. The trailers have no real function, they are just an attempt at changing the Kenyon aesthetic. People are tired of old Gothic collegiate architecture and stunning tree lined walkways and luscious plots of grass. Trailers are the one and only addition to this campus that will draw perspective students. Trailers and no library. If that won’t increase the number of applicants this year, nothing else will.

5. This is just part of a nationwide social experiment examining how wealthy, privileged millennials react when they are slightly inconvenienced.

6. It’s one of those “The Emperor’s New Clothes” illusions where there actually aren’t any trailers at all but none want to be the person that doesn’t see them so the lie is perpetuated.

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A Thought About the ‘Occupancy Sensors’

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The “occupancy sensor” (Photo by Eric Geller ’14)

As you probably know, the College recently installed some “occupancy sensors” in the Caples, Mather, McBride, Hanna, and Leonard residence hall rooms. Sustainability Director Ed Neal told the Collegian that the “occupancy sensors” are part of a “sustainability and energy initiative” that will, “adjust the room temperature based on whether students are in the room.” But I’ve been thinking. Isn’t it suspicious that these “occupancy sensors” are placed in some of the most haunted Kenyon residence halls, residence halls that have been known to suffer mysterious fluctuations in temperature, residence halls believed to be inhabited by ghostly spirits?  Yes, readers, I believe that these “occupancy sensors”  are not intended to track human occupancy, but paranormal occupancy.

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