May is at last upon us which means that the raccoons we’ve dearly missed over the winter are finally arriving in droves across the midwest as they complete their months-long, multigenerational migration from Central Mexico. But just because most members of Procyon lotor sustain themselves off of nectar and trash doesn’t mean that some especially depraved individuals aren’t out for blood.Continue reading
If you’re anything like me then one of you’re favorite things to do is read the Village Record and read about all the entertaining things that happened over the weekend. It’s like an official Yik-Yak. However, sometimes it’s a bit boring – underage drinking, and noise disturbances – the same old things over and over again. Imagine if it were even more exciting in this list of things you wouldn’t see on the Village Record.
1. Conspiracy – Surprisingly enough, there isn’t a lot of this running around campus. Or perhaps the conspirators on campus are too discrete to be caught? I mean, according to Kenyon sources, Spiro Agnew may have been framed…
Over the weekend, the beloved church bells were broken. We were denied our usual tolls those days. But wait! Could it mean something more? It most certainly could.
Most people will tell you that Middle Path is made from gravel. Most people are wrong. Only those who are part of the super-secret Kenyon Middle Path Committee know the true makeup of our iconic path. Luckily, I was able to nab some of their files, and I’m going to let you know some of the ingredients they use in the mystical concoction that is Middle Path.
- Crushed Beer Cans — With the recent focus on environmentalism and sustainability, Kenyon reuses the countless beer cans found on any given weekend as lining for Middle Path. The cans are crushed and balled into impossibly dense pebble-sized balls by the school’s patented Can Crusher 3000 and are placed on Middle Path every Sunday at 7:30 AM, the only time the school is sure that no student is awake. Continue reading