COVID Test Speedrun, Positive% Category

Shoutout to the devs at Everlywell

Do you ever feel self-conscious about your walking speed? Like, if your destination was really that important to your life, you’d be moving a bit faster? I mean, why stop there? If your life is so important, why aren’t you doing everything more quickly, more efficiently? Hi, I’m Micah Kim, known on the COVID test speedrunning forums as NostrilPlug1, and today I’ll be channeling that existential fear into an optimization of the Everlywell self-applied COVID test.

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Welcome Back! We’re still in charge

(*private island all tested negative multiple times wear a mask <3)

Hello, dear Thrill readers. It is your editor in chiefs, Reilly and Ellie. You might have noticed that we haven’t vacated this office as is traditional, and we noticed that too. We are in fact here to stay, here to play, here to have some fun in the sun from our New Apt and our “large property full of deers” (Ellie’s description of her home). We hope you’re setting into your first week nicely and enjoyed the meatloaf for dinner tonight (whether your mom made it or you had it from Peirce).

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Thing I Left In My Storage That Were a Big Mistake

How to break your toxic habit of overpacking: 

Step one: Recognize the problem

You have a checked bag, a carry-on, and a personal item for your 2 week break. You’ve overwhelmed the Gambier Coach. You’re hitting every person on the plane as you make your way to your seat. Everyone is upset and your frail body is giving out.

Step two: Stop the problem

You don’t need to pack your parka for spring break. Not even for emergencies. There will be no emergencies. It’s been 80° every day in your warm hometown since February.

I followed these steps back in February and I was determined to keep up my new lifestyle when I returned to campus in March to pack up my room. I thought I was so clever and mature when I only allowed myself to bring home my summertime bare necessities. Now it’s September and I’m starting to get cold. The vermin and pests are catching sweet whiffs from my boxes. I was naive, foolish, overly optimistic; I thought I would be reunited with my precious items in August, but I was so wrong. Here are just a few of the things I left in storage that were a Big Mistake

  • An 80% full bottle of sriracha 
    • it has a shelf life of two years but I think I forgot to wipe the layer of crust off the tip
  • Every single pair of jeans I own
    • I didn’t wear pants once last summer! The only reason I would possibly need jeans is if by some wild coincidence this whole COVID thing doesn’t go away and we cant go back to school… but that seems unlikely hahahahahahahahahaha wow that would be so funny
  • Every single long sleeve shirt I own
    • see above
  • All of my makeup 
  • A bag of pre-cooked lentils
    • As long as nothing pointy punctures the bag it should be fine. Unfortunately I packed it in the same box as my perfectly pointy utensils. 
  • A moldy fridge 
    • We only had three hours to pack and were in the middle of a national cleaning supplies shortage. I’m not gonna apologize for this one.
  • The books I forgot to sell back at the end of first semester that I was going to sell back in August
  • All of my academic abilities