Kenyon Hexes for your Kenyon Exes

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Halloween is a spooky time, but you know what’s even scarier? Horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad EXES! Not all our exes are demons, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could teach the gross ones a lesson? In a way that doesn’t involve direct confrontation? Good news, spooks– there is a way! Here are some quick and easy hexes, curses, and charms to cast on that one person you wish would just disappear. A spellbook isn’t necessary– only the will to bring pain (or at the very least discomfort) to those who have wronged you. Let’s get started!

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Kenyon Dating Questionnaire

Kenyon Dating Questionnaire

Alright Lordz and Ladiez (everything sounds better with a z), are you sick of talking about how weird Kenyon dating culture is? Maybe I don’t want to get grinded on at an Old K party, or shiver outside of an NCA pretending to flirt with that grungy looking dude from my intro philosophy class! Lord knows how well Friendsy went, and I don’t want to talk to you if you have Tinder downloaded for Gambier.

So sad lonely me came home from the weekend feeling low on my luck. I ordered cheesy bread with my roommate’s boyfriend, pondered my existence, and came to a brilliant conclusion. I, a single junior college student who sleeps with roughly four stuffed animals every night, am exceptionally qualified to tell you, loyal reader, who you should fall in love with. And I’m going to tell you how. Take my questionnaire, because honestly, searching for love is better than the searchable schedule haha am I right?

  1. When you’re logging into Moodle, are you drawn to the Duo:
    • push method because it’s fast, easy, and why do we need this system anyways?!
    • text method because it’s kind of fun to see that you have a text message :)
    • call method because I’m not downloading that stupid app!
  2. Alright it’s meal times, when do you go?
    • I LOVE breakfast (gotta get my fried egg!), prefer an 11 am lunch, and a nice 5 pm dinner because I run on an early clock and have places to go
    • Maybe I’ll get breakfast if I get there, except I always forget when they stop serving eggs. Also, I stroll into new side at 12 pm on MWF and I’m consistently surprised by how busy it is !!! And I dunno, maybe I’ll go at 5:30, 6?
    • They serve breakfast here? I actually like to get extendo lunch, it’s quieter and I can get my work done. Maybe I’ll grab dinner at 7? Depends on when I leave the lib.
  3. You grindin’? You walk into Wiggin and see that every booth is full. Do you:
    • See a friend of a friend who’d be generous enough to scooch over so you can take advantage of that sweet sweet booth while being incredibly quiet because it’s not like she invited you to sit there.
    • See a friend in a solo booth and naturally squeeze yourself in because hey if you fit you sit am I right?
    • Just go to the freakin’ lib because there’s no point in making myself uncomfortable just to do work
  4. When you see Old K party you think:
    • WOOHOO DANCE FLOOR MAKEOUT HERE I COME
    •  I better go buy a new pack of Marlboro Lights for all the ~social smoking~ that I’m going to be doing this weekend
    • The plan is: get drunk, stupid dance, and count down the minutes until it’s socially acceptable to get drunkenly order cheesy bread
  5. Okay but also when you order pizza, where the heck do you get it from?
    • Dominoes, duh
    • I love me some Papa Johns
    • I’m actually a fan of the underdog Lil Caesar’s 
  6. What is your method of getting to the airport for breaks?
    • My dude I’ve already bought my GoBus ticket there for Thanksgiving and Winter Break
    • I’ll just call Madden and schedule a group of like five people, they’re fairly reliable
    • I love posting in alllllllll the Facebook groups because I really tell great stories, pick the best snacks, and will totally pay for gas!
  7. Accapella culture at Kenyon?
    • Hell yeah baby, I just went to my first Kokes concert and you know I be belting those tunes in my shower all day erryday
    • I actually applied for the Creeks when I was a first year and didn’t get in and now I go to to the concerts with my friends angrily sipping a bottle of pink moscato whispering to my friends about how their arrangements are ALL WRONG
    • I do find the synchronized swaying and snapping rather enticing, but I prefer music with instruments
  8. Do you have Blundstones and/or clogs?
    • What department is Prof. Blundestones in?
    • I’ve had danskos SINCE BEFORE KENYON
    • Yeah I bought a pair but I’m not sure how to wear either…
  9. When you go the Kac do you:
    • Hit up that sauna baby!
    • Do a little running, some lifting, definitely will get some abs in there but I can only go for like an hour and a half so I have to bak later to get in a full workout
    • Yeah I’ve never actually been there except for my class’ Sunday film screenings….
  10. Alright last question, How did you hear about Kenyon?
    • Well I’ve actually been a nerdfighter forever soooo
    • I read David Foster Wallace’s “This is Water” and it just really resonated with me and I just came to Kenyon so I could #focus on my #academics and be a #scholar
    • I’m from New York and I just really wanted to escape the city life for a while you know?

The Most Eligible Crow Bachelors of Kenyon College

The Most Eligible Crow Bachelors of Kenyon College

Matchmaker, matchmaker, match me a catch! Match me a match, find me a catch! That’s right, folks. It’s our first semester back at Kenyon and love is in the air. I know that things can really suck for all you gorgeous single pringles out there, but don’t worry! I have a solution to your temporary bout of solitude! Today I am proud to present you with the most eligible crow bachelors of Kenyon College! These lovebirds are casting their beady little eyes on the student populace, searching for someone to call their own. Perhaps your other half has been right under your nose this entire time (or above– birds go up in the sky). Are you ready to meet these fabulous feathered fiends? Then let’s get started!

(Portraits drawn by that pigeon who snuck into Gund Gallery that one time)

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How to Respond to Tinder Messages: A Few Methods

In our fast paced modern world, it seems like everything has gone to the cyber realm, even dating. There are a lot of hip apps out there to find you your special someone, but without a doubt Tinder is one of the heavy hitters. A hopeless romantic, I found myself drawn to its addictively easy to navigate interface, navigating between faces for hours on end. When it came to the messaging part, however, I found that I had a lot to learn. Here are a couple of methods I employed during my first foray into the world of Tinder, at the beginning of summer break.

Method #1: Be direct.

Direct approach in action

Direct approach in action

This match and I chose the same approach, and while I would rate this approach as positive, in that it was efficient and unambiguous, I would also say it was kind of a negative, as it did not result in a further romance. Overall neutral, I suppose. Continue reading

How to Lose a Kenyon Guy in 10 Days

how to lose a kenyon guy in 10 days FINAL

Having some trouble with the dating scene? Can’t seem to buckle down that dapper chap you’ve been chasing after? Fear not. The Thrill has been conducting research*. Here are some tried and true ways to terrify a boy in only ten days (if it takes that long).

Day 1. Find Him. Under a rock. Behind Mather. In a gender neutral bathroom. In your bed. Whatever. Just find him. Then, stalk him like a shelf.

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Hafternoon Delight: Goodbye Sex Blogging, Hello Monogamy

So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. Yes, dear Kenyon, my time as your resident sex columnist is coming (no pun intended) to an end. What you’re reading right now is my last regular post. This sad but timely departure is occurring partly because someone wants to take over for me (!!!) and partly because I’m boring now and mostly only make out with one person (holler, Slampiece).

While Slampiece turned me from a wild child into a committed wild child, our relationship has spawned some positive events. For example, she inspired the opening line of this piece! Because I was a such a good girl all of first semester, Slampiece penned me a jokey Maria/Liesel Sound of Music femme slash fanfiction for my Hanukkah present. It’s saved in a shareable Google doc, if you’re interested. My mother’s review: “Slampiece writes very good smut.” The critics are raving!

Practical advice on and stories about navigating the boundaries of a committed, monogamous relationship after the jump.

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Hafternoon Delight: The Necessity of the Turkey Drop

If your relationship from home seems as bland as this turkey looks, it may be time to make a change. (Wikimedia Commons)

Last year, before Thanksgiving break, an upperclass student explained to me that first years aren’t fair game until after the federal holiday celebrating mass genocide and racism. He squeezed my hand and sighed that first years are too new to college, too new to living alone and too new to hookups in an environment as weirdly claustrophobic (er, intimate… it’s time to go home) as Kenyon. Then he made out with me, but whatever. Interesting concept, right? With one whole year of hindsight, I feel confident in giving advice about issues surrounding the first Thanksgiving home. So snuggle in, first years and nostalgic upperclass students alike. Let’s talk about the phenomenon known as the “Turkey Drop.” Continue reading