Alright Lordz and Ladiez (everything sounds better with a z), are you sick of talking about how weird Kenyon dating culture is? Maybe I don’t want to get grinded on at an Old K party, or shiver outside of an NCA pretending to flirt with that grungy looking dude from my intro philosophy class! Lord knows how well Friendsy went, and I don’t want to talk to you if you have Tinder downloaded for Gambier.

So sad lonely me came home from the weekend feeling low on my luck. I ordered cheesy bread with my roommate’s boyfriend, pondered my existence, and came to a brilliant conclusion. I, a single junior college student who sleeps with roughly four stuffed animals every night, am exceptionally qualified to tell you, loyal reader, who you should fall in love with. And I’m going to tell you how. Take my questionnaire, because honestly, searching for love is better than the searchable schedule haha am I right?

1. When you’re logging into Moodle, are you drawn to the Duo:
   • push method because it’s fast, easy, and why do we need this system anyways?!
   • text method because it’s kind of fun to see that you have a text message :)
   • call method because I’m not downloading that stupid app!
2. Alright it’s meal times, when do you go?
   • I LOVE breakfast (gotta get my fried egg!), prefer an 11 am lunch, and a nice 5 pm dinner because I run on an early clock and have places to go
   • Maybe I’ll get breakfast if I get there, except I always forget when they stop serving eggs. Also, I stroll into new side at 12 pm on MWF and I’m consistently surprised by how busy it is !!! And I dunno, maybe I’ll go at 5:30, 6?
   • They serve breakfast here? I actually like to get extendo lunch, it’s quieter and I can get my work done. Maybe I’ll grab dinner at 7? Depends on when I leave the lib.
3. You grindin’? You walk into Wiggin and see that every booth is full. Do you:
   • See a friend of a friend who’d be generous enough to scooch over so you can take advantage of that sweet sweet booth while being incredibly quiet because it’s not like she invited you to sit there.
   • See a friend in a solo booth and naturally squeeze yourself in because hey if you fit you sit am I right?
   • Just go to the freakin’ lib because there’s no point in making myself uncomfortable just to do work
4. When you see Old K party you think:
   • WOOHOO DANCE FLOOR MAKEOUT HERE I COME
   •  I better go buy a new pack of Marlboro Lights for all the ~social smoking~ that I’m going to be doing this weekend
   • The plan is: get drunk, stupid dance, and count down the minutes until it’s socially acceptable to get drunkenly order cheesy bread
5. Okay but also when you order pizza, where the heck do you get it from?
   • Dominoes, duh
   • I love me some Papa Johns
   • I’m actually a fan of the underdog Lil Caesar’s 
6. What is your method of getting to the airport for breaks?
   • My dude I’ve already bought my GoBus ticket there for Thanksgiving and Winter Break
   • I’ll just call Madden and schedule a group of like five people, they’re fairly reliable
   • I love posting in alllllllll the Facebook groups because I really tell great stories, pick the best snacks, and will totally pay for gas!
7. Accapella culture at Kenyon?
   • Hell yeah baby, I just went to my first Kokes concert and you know I be belting those tunes in my shower all day erryday
   • I actually applied for the Creeks when I was a first year and didn’t get in and now I go to to the concerts with my friends angrily sipping a bottle of pink moscato whispering to my friends about how their arrangements are ALL WRONG
   • I do find the synchronized swaying and snapping rather enticing, but I prefer music with instruments
8. Do you have Blundstones and/or clogs?
   • What department is Prof. Blundestones in?
   • I’ve had danskos SINCE BEFORE KENYON
   • Yeah I bought a pair but I’m not sure how to wear either…
9. When you go the Kac do you:
   • Hit up that sauna baby!
   • Do a little running, some lifting, definitely will get some abs in there but I can only go for like an hour and a half so I have to bak later to get in a full workout
   • Yeah I’ve never actually been there except for my class’ Sunday film screenings….
10. Alright last question, How did you hear about Kenyon?
    • Well I’ve actually been a nerdfighter forever soooo
    • I read David Foster Wallace’s “This is Water” and it just really resonated with me and I just came to Kenyon so I could #focus on my #academics and be a #scholar
    • I’m from New York and I just really wanted to escape the city life for a while you know?