It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

it me

I faced the same struggles that everyone faces in their first few weeks of college. I missed my friends and family back home, I was overwhelmed by classes and activities, and I had a bit of trouble making friends at first. Of course I realized this was all normal, but there was one slight difference in my situation.

The thing about being diagnosed with Major Chronic Depression, is even years after you’ve been treated and given medication, whenever you feel sad or upset sometimes you wonder if it means you’re “bad” again. Sometimes, it’s impossible to tell the difference and it’s confusing as all hell.

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My Parting Advice to You

Hanna Hall (three-quarter view, ca. 2005), Kenyon College

The Thrill is happy to feature narratives written by the Kenyon community. To submit a piece of writing, please look at our guidelines here. This submission is by an anonymous contributor. 

WARNING: This piece includes descriptions of self-harm, depression, bullying and suicide which may be triggering to some individuals.

The first time was an accident. I was at a chemistry review session the second week of sophomore year, and I didn’t even know I had been cut until I looked down and saw the blood on my arm. I waited for the pain, but the thing about this cut was that it didn’t hurt… it actually felt good. I had recently been diagnosed with depression, and I felt as though I were walking around with a ten pound weight on my chest, unable to speak, on the verge of crying at every moment. At that review session, looking at the blood, I realized that the weight had shifted just a little, and I took an easier breath than I had for the past month.

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