Ha-Ha, You’re All About To Start Shitting Everywhere

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According to a student info that just went round, you’re all seriously fucked. I’m the only writer that was capable of making it to a computer without vomiting down my own shirt (I assume), and that’s just because I’m thousands of miles away enjoying a shit-free night. Something that, you, unfortunately, probably won’t be experiencing for the next 24 hours. The e-mail warns students of a short lived but significant virus that leads to puking, cramping, and pooping, and it does this, I quote, “quickly.

So scrap whatever plans you had for tonight, tie yourself down to your bathroom, and please don’t touch me.

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How to Be a Grown-Up: Remember Things

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Yesterday, I probably did the most forgetful, and impossibly stupid thing I have ever done; I forgot about a paper.  Seriously.  I straight up forgot about it.  There I was walking down Middle Path jolly as a giant and I saw my Professor from the class I was headed to and waved.  As my hand made slow motions back and forth, a realization began to wash over me.  At first it was just misting, soon though it grew to monsoon proportions.  “I have a paper due in 10 minutes.” (Full disclosure: This was a real paper, as in 5-8 pages, not a reading response.)  I mean, I can procrastinate with the best of them, but this would be impossible.  After 5 minutes of sobbing, 2 minutes of frantic planning and 1 minute of explaining, I was given a merciful extension. So from one forgetful person, to an army of them, this is “How to Remember Things.”

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How to Be a Grown-Up: Apologizing for Missing Class

...Bueller? ...Bueller? ...Anyone?

…Bueller? …Bueller? …Anyone?

I should preface this post by saying that if you’re a real grown-up, this information is useless to you because you wouldn’t miss class unless you’d just sustained a massive head wound or something equally dire. However, if you subscribe to my brand of adulthood (i.e. loudly proclaiming “I’M AN ADULT! I CAN VOTE! I CAN GO TO WAR!” and then falling asleep on a pile of warm laundry and missing your 1:10), this guide to the ins and outs of accidentally — or “accidentally” — skipping class may be of use to you.

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