Bad Kenyon Fanfic Chapter 1/?

Sean Decatur Adopted Me??!?!?!? (Featuring The Kenyon Lords Ice Hockey Team, Zayn Malik, and Mr. Krabs)

Chapter One:

It started out like any other morning. I woke up in my Norton dingle and put my totally drab brown hair into a messy bun. I start to put mascara on my eyes, which are the color of Peirce beef stroganoff, which I find kind of unsettling since I am vegan. Anyway, I stick in my polymer clay earrings, grab my kanken, and head out the door.

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10 o’clock list: Erotic Novels for Kenyon Students

Please please me. (via

“Oh dear. This hand has nowhere to go!” (via

We are students at an institution that boasts some of the greatest names literary history on the alumni and staff roster. We’ve got E.L. Doctorow and P.F. Kluge, along with Robie Macauley and even John Green. Do you think John Crowe Ransom would be caught dead with a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in his bag? Hell no. But we all have needs, and those needs need to be met. So I give you my ideas for erotic novels that would please the sensitive and slightly pretentious palate of a liberal arts student.

1. A Man Will Always Need Moore. In this false historical account, our esteemed College founder travels to England to receive funds for his school. Amongst a crowd of benefactors, he meets Hannah Moore. Expecting a crotchety old maid, he’s surprised to find that this older woman is vivacious and full of wit. He falls for her personality, her poetry and finally her body. But this religious man must come to terms with the fact that this relationship is doomed — he’s married and must return to Ohio as soon as he finds sufficient funds. Filled with unmatched passion, A Man Will Always Need Moore is an unexpected ecclesiastical pleasure house and not to be missed.

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