First-Years You Will Accidentally Converse With In The Common Room

In order to find the people you click with at Kenyon, you have to be willing to put yourself out there. And what I’ve learned during my two months on this hill is that “out there” usually means out of the comfort of your dorm and into your building’s common room. Maybe you could even find your future spouse there, scrolling through their phone on a 20-year-old leather couch, who knows! But while this is a sure possibility, it’s also likely that you’ll have to talk to a variety of characters before finding your people. These are just some of them.

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10 o’clock list: Places to “Honeymoon” After Getting Kenyon Married

As a first-year, I am merely an outside observer of the concept of “Kenyon Married”. I am the accidental child brought into an adult-only romantic dinner at the quirkiest all-inclusive resort of all time. Except instead of a resort, I am referring to our fine liberal arts institution.

I got here a little over a month ago, so it is understandable and expected for me to not be “Kenyon Married”, or even “Kenyon Engaged”. I would argue that this perspective puts me in a prime position to make unbiased suggestions about other people’s relationships.

Or maybe I’m just the strangest combination of a Hopeless Romantic and Jaded Writer Who Likes Making Fun of Things on the Internet to ever grace this site. 

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Advice for First-Years from a Crusty Ancient

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Happy year one to Kenyon’s Class of 2022! We, the Council of Elders, are very pleased and excited to have you here with us. We love your style, your spirit. Your large numbers. Your sweet, chittery little bird voices as you skip down Middle Path in droves, animatedly discussing how awesome your English 103 classes are. Yes! We love you very, very much!!! Because of how much we love you, we at the Thrill would like to quell your nerves a little bit by giving you some advice about how to Make It in this crazy cartoon college. If you take our advice, you are certain to graduate!!! 100% money back guarantee. Have a good day, sweetie, and don’t forget to eat lunch! Xoxo, the Kenyon Thrill. WE LOVE YOU!!!

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A Cocktail for First Years

A Cocktail for First Years

Well, shit. Here I am, going out tonight even though I have enough work to fill an entire weekend. Maybe it’s because I’m a first year and maybe it’s because I’m just a dumbass, but I thought I’d share my cocktail for this weekend that isn’t technically the weekend before finals but still feels just as stressful. Hope you drink this and think about your days of being hungover in the McBride bathroom and being asked “who do you know here?” when you walk into an NCA.

Ingredients:

  • Two shots of Kamchatka
  • Whatever not alcoholic drink sounds appealing today and is sold in the market

Optional:

Garnished beer foam from an entirely tapped keg

A water bottle full of Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea from Peirce (alternative: water from the same fountain that just tastes vaguely like Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea)

Your roommate’s two days expired half and half

Wiggins Street Mocha after the ice has melted

Leftover chemical spill from the Market

Sweat from a shirtless Kenyon Lord Swimmer™

Amish cream cheese

 

Directions:

Take a Peirce cup, and then return it immediately because you know it will never get actually back to Peirce and that’s wasteful and a real dick move, anyway. Find the cleanest cup in your dorm room and pour in two shots of vodka. Ask the girl down the hall from you if your Gender Studies paper is due at 5 pm or midnight on Sunday. When you hear it’s due at midnight, reassure yourself that going out tonight is a good idea. Take a sip of your drink and remember it is just a cup of vodka at this point. Find your mixer of choice and make a really shitty cocktail. Go to an all-campus not wearing enough clothes because you’re still trying to impress a romantic partner at this weird school. Jump up and down with your peers for a little, then go home and help aforementioned girl down the hall from you while she throws up.