Advice for First-Years from a Crusty Ancient

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Happy year one to Kenyon’s Class of 2022! We, the Council of Elders, are very pleased and excited to have you here with us. We love your style, your spirit. Your large numbers. Your sweet, chittery little bird voices as you skip down Middle Path in droves, animatedly discussing how awesome your English 103 classes are. Yes! We love you very, very much!!! Because of how much we love you, we at the Thrill would like to quell your nerves a little bit by giving you some advice about how to Make It in this crazy cartoon college. If you take our advice, you are certain to graduate!!! 100% money back guarantee. Have a good day, sweetie, and don’t forget to eat lunch! Xoxo, the Kenyon Thrill. WE LOVE YOU!!!

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First Years React: the Housing Lottery

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Limber up and flex your inner selfish tendencies because it’s that time of year when all you can do is look out for number one. It’s the housing lottery and we asked our first year writers to react to their first experience involving this animalistic, bureaucratic ritual. Continue reading

A Cocktail for First Years

A Cocktail for First Years

Well, shit. Here I am, going out tonight even though I have enough work to fill an entire weekend. Maybe it’s because I’m a first year and maybe it’s because I’m just a dumbass, but I thought I’d share my cocktail for this weekend that isn’t technically the weekend before finals but still feels just as stressful. Hope you drink this and think about your days of being hungover in the McBride bathroom and being asked “who do you know here?” when you walk into an NCA.

Ingredients:

  • Two shots of Kamchatka
  • Whatever not alcoholic drink sounds appealing today and is sold in the market

Optional:

Garnished beer foam from an entirely tapped keg

A water bottle full of Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea from Peirce (alternative: water from the same fountain that just tastes vaguely like Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea)

Your roommate’s two days expired half and half

Wiggins Street Mocha after the ice has melted

Leftover chemical spill from the Market

Sweat from a shirtless Kenyon Lord Swimmer™

Amish cream cheese

 

Directions:

Take a Peirce cup, and then return it immediately because you know it will never get actually back to Peirce and that’s wasteful and a real dick move, anyway. Find the cleanest cup in your dorm room and pour in two shots of vodka. Ask the girl down the hall from you if your Gender Studies paper is due at 5 pm or midnight on Sunday. When you hear it’s due at midnight, reassure yourself that going out tonight is a good idea. Take a sip of your drink and remember it is just a cup of vodka at this point. Find your mixer of choice and make a really shitty cocktail. Go to an all-campus not wearing enough clothes because you’re still trying to impress a romantic partner at this weird school. Jump up and down with your peers for a little, then go home and help aforementioned girl down the hall from you while she throws up.

 

 

Dumbest Thing I Ever Did: First Year Intros

Dumbest Thing I Ever Did: First Year Intros

Picture this: August, 2014, fresh from Outdoors Pre-O, but not yet through the weird-but-friendly social hellscape that is First Year Orientation. So many new people in a relatively new place. Just as David Foster Wallace once professed, “this is water” as a call to clarity in the face of oppressing banality, I was strikingly aware of the voice in the back of my head that said “these are going to be your friends for the next four years, make a good impression or be left by the wayside.” Continue reading

Overheard at Kenyon: First Week Back

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Welcome back nerds! The first week of school has come and gone and we’re all cursing ourselves for complaining about how bored we were over break. Plenty of things on campus are different but one thing will never change: the Thrill is always listening. We heard you with our sweet baby ears and know what you did last night. It’s Overheard!

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First Years React: Sendoff Expectations

Sendoff is today and first years are abuzz with anticipation. We’ve graduated from our first stage of uncertainty, (click here) and now that we know what sendoff is, we have expectations.

I think it’ll be a lot like the bands that play in Peirce sometimes, but everyone will be drunk and it’ll probably rain. -Sarah Hoffmann

I have zero to low expectations for sendoff. I mean, always set your expectations low in order to maximize unexpected fun right? Anyway, the one preconceived notion that I do have, is that sendoff is one big, drunken picnic of liberal arts burnouts who are reenacting the lyrics of the Kinks song “Sunny Afternoon.” Seriously, if I’m not “sitting here sippin’ on my ice cold beer, lazying on a sunny afternoon in the summertime” then I will be truly shocked, “Cause I love to live so pleasantly, Live this life of luxury.” As far as the evening wilding, I expect Earl Sweatshirt to make me say “Toto, I don’t think were in Gambier anymore,” but then again, it might just feel like the Horn but more outside. -Jane Zisman
Sendoff is the only all-campus event that I haven’t really heard upperclassmen talk shit about. So that’s honestly kind of scary. I just hope it’s not too chilly. -Annie Blackman