A Definitive Ranking of Peirce’s Mayonnaises

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Picture this: You’re in the servery. It’s cold and dark. You’ve just finished making your 10th sandwich of the day. You go to put some sweet, sweet mayo on that baby, only to stand there, helpless as you shake the bottle for what seems like a millennia. People line up behind you, their eyes staring daggers into your back. A baby is crying somewhere in the distance. You start to sweat profusely. The room fills with your sweat, and you’re still holding onto that goddamned mayonnaise bottle, drowning, drowning, crying out for help–All right, I think you get the point. Anyone who’s been around me for more than 3 milliseconds knows of my shameful love of mayonnaise in all of its many shapes and forms. What can I say? Blame it on my heritage. Whether it be Hellman’s (for your average joe), aioli (for the more refined) or Vegenaise (for the socially woke health nuts out there), there’s nothing that a fat dollop of mayo can’t fix. Getting said mayonnaise, however, can be a humbling experience. That’s why I’ve decided to ease your Mayo Mishaps with this much-needed list!

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Romaine Calm! (Kenyon vs. the Romaine Lettuce Epidemic)

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You may or may not have heard about the recent romaine lettuce epidemic. The CDC has publicly stated multiple times that we do our best NOT to consume the Big Leaves until further notice. But what are the reasons behind this proclamation? What has happened to our lettuce? Who is destroying the sanctity of these vibrant emerald staples of American society? All this and more in my BIG LETTUCE CONSPIRACY THEORY INVESTIGATION.

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I Let Robots Tell Me What to Eat for 3 Days

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Zo, you trickster, you!

 

Look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush. Here at the Thrill we like to do dumb shit in Peirce that would upset our health-conscious parents and is probably contributing to our inevitable descent into heart failure. It’s almost become a rite of passage to debase ourselves in the servery and this week, it’s finally my time to shine. But what could I do that would keep your attention? How do I cater to the ever-shifting eye of Kenyon’s student body?

My answer: I let an AI tell me what to eat. It made me physically ill. It made me sad.

This is my story.

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The Crap in our Refrigerators: Illustrated

A Kenyon student emerges from their final class of the day and heads to their dorm. It’s 4:00 pm and the comfort of their bed is as enticing as a thick cut of meatloaf slathered in ketchup*. That sweet bliss of a peaceful dorm room is at their finger tips as they turn the handle of their door. However, upon entry, the student knows something is wrong; there is an odor in the room. Now, this odor isn’t a familiar odor. It isn’t the dank smell of the hallway. It isn’t the stale beer of the stairwell. It isn’t the abandoned slice of pizza from an all-campus that has been sitting on the water fountain for 3 days. What could it be? The student strides over to the mini fridge in the corner of their room and flings the door open.

 

* if you do not find this image enticing find me in person and we will talk. Peirce meatloaf is a not so hidden gem. Ketchup is the caviar of the masses.

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Peirce Hack: Cinnamon Apple Grilled Cheese

cinnamon-apple-butter-grilled-cheeseEven though the temperature is hovering around the 80s and Birkenstocks are still everyone’s shoe of choice, I can safely say that autumn is now upon us. While I’m a huge proponent of pumpkin spice everything and soup for every meal, my favorite fall snack is a crisp apple with, if I’m feeling a little extra festive, a sprinkle of cinnamon. The other day I wondered what would happen if I paired this with the timeless grilled cheese sandwich and not to brag, but this may be the Best Peirce Hack Yet.

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10 o’clock list: Places to Get Food After the Market Closes at 6 pm

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Hey, you! I haven’t seen you in forever! How is Stats going? Did you finally figure out what was causing that electrical humming in your room? No? Well, how’s your food situation? I heard that someone saw you crying outside of the Market while listening to the Monster Mash, but don’t worry, we’ve all been there. Here’s some advice for those cold nights when you forget that your source for Spongebob popsicles closes at 6 pm. Stay strong buddy, we’re all rooting for you.

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What Does Your Favorite Market Snack Say About You?

What Does Your Favorite Market Snack Say About You?

As the only place in Gambier that sells delicacies like market chili and the always popular Keystone Light, the Village Market has a special place in our hearts. Next time you’re in need of a study break, pregame provisions, or just something to inhale while binge-watching Big Little Lies , take note of your chosen snack and finally figure out who you really are.

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