Hey everyone, Guy Fieri here. Yes, I’m coming at ya from the great village of Gambier, Ohio. This is definitely REALLY me, and not a first-year Thrill writer who watched an alarming amount of Guy’s Grocery Games for “artistic research” and attempts to “get my voice right.”
So, you just went halfsies with your roommate on a used juicer from Goodwill. We’ve all been there. I bet you’re just itching to test out your new appliance on some fun new foods, but wait! I’m here to instruct you on the proper uses of your juice-o-matic through the fun and relatable medium of foods from Peirce Dining Hall. Continue reading
It’s Tuesday, and the weekend of parents is already a distant memory. Those whose parents deigned to show up were treated to a nice reunion and a hearty helping of guilt. Your parents witnessed your lifestyle, and they are disgusted. When’s the last time you ate a vegetable? For the next couple days or so it might be nice to try to make the family proud. And what better way to do so than filling your body with some actual nutrients? So, in a deep haze of shame, I present a guide to healthy eating in Gambier, OH. Continue reading
I know what you’re wondering. Yes, I made this decision consciously and voluntarily. I ate at Chilito’s, our on-campus Mexican restaurant, for three consecutive nights. And I know what else you’re wondering. The truth is, I don’t really know why either. But the best way to bring you and I closer to understanding why I did what I did is to go back and reflect. Together, we’ll evaluate my fragile mental state, poor nutritional choices, and maybe even review some food. So here’s It Happened To Me: I Ate Chilito’s Three Nights in a Row. Alternatively titled Attempting to Substitute Guacamole for Psychotherapy, a Play in Three Acts.
Picture this: You’re in the servery. It’s cold and dark. You’ve just finished making your 10th sandwich of the day. You go to put some sweet, sweet mayo on that baby, only to stand there, helpless as you shake the bottle for what seems like a millennia. People line up behind you, their eyes staring daggers into your back. A baby is crying somewhere in the distance. You start to sweat profusely. The room fills with your sweat, and you’re still holding onto that goddamned mayonnaise bottle, drowning, drowning, crying out for help–All right, I think you get the point. Anyone who’s been around me for more than 3 milliseconds knows of my shameful love of mayonnaise in all of its many shapes and forms. What can I say? Blame it on my heritage. Whether it be Hellman’s (for your average joe), aioli (for the more refined) or Vegenaise (for the socially woke health nuts out there), there’s nothing that a fat dollop of mayo can’t fix. Getting said mayonnaise, however, can be a humbling experience. That’s why I’ve decided to ease your Mayo Mishaps with this much-needed list!
You may or may not have heard about the recent romaine lettuce epidemic. The CDC has publicly stated multiple times that we do our best NOT to consume the Big Leaves until further notice. But what are the reasons behind this proclamation? What has happened to our lettuce? Who is destroying the sanctity of these vibrant emerald staples of American society? All this and more in my BIG LETTUCE CONSPIRACY THEORY INVESTIGATION.
Look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush. Here at the Thrill we like to do dumb shit in Peirce that would upset our health-conscious parents and is probably contributing to our inevitable descent into heart failure. It’s almost become a rite of passage to debase ourselves in the servery and this week, it’s finally my time to shine. But what could I do that would keep your attention? How do I cater to the ever-shifting eye of Kenyon’s student body?
My answer: I let an AI tell me what to eat. It made me physically ill. It made me sad.
This is my story.