New and Improved Roommate Pairing Questionnaire

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credit: Apple, their Apple Pencil (2nd Generation), a pencil, made of ghosts (probably), this is how they actually marketed it

 

Dear The Office of Residential Life,

It has been several years since my last confession. Though I work for you, I feel as if I could do more to work with you. I am a simple person with simple skills. I can ask politely for things I am paying for. I can put an unlimited amount of raw Sriracha in my tiny, tiny mouth. I can peel an orange in one seamless ribbon but usually I can’t. This is my effort to bring my passion for putting people into broad categories (ie. astrology, MBTI, sorting-hat) to you, The Office formally known as Residential Life. Below are what I believe to be some questions which which truly bring insight to the Roommate Pairing Process. You can reach me at wordpress.com, or at your local Post Office.

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Pacifist Fry Pie Wrestling

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they want blood

I must confess. I am a simple man. I like blood, guts, and flaky crust. I know what America wants to see. America wants to see senseless violence, intersecting storylines, and pie. I said to the Thrill Editors, I said “I know what the people want” and they said “what do the people want?” and I said, you know what I said, I said “they want to see FryPie. Wrestling.” A voice broke the silence, “What’s a fry pie?”

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Dungeons and Dragons: Kenyon Edition

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Lord Graham Gund of Castle Kenyon sits atop his sacred Hill, glass in one hand, 2020 plan in the other. Tonight, he’s hosting a gala inside the Kenyon Athletic Center, his ballroom and playpen. A week ago, a single crow tapped upon your window, a crisp envelope caught in its beak. The bird presented you with an invitation to Lord Gund’s weekend extravaganza. Are you brave enough to attend? Grab your polyhedral dice and start rolling to find out…

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Make it a Drinking Game: Dodgeball

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It’s a Friday night and you and the home skillets are chillin’ in the dormi-glory waiting to get your freak on at the Audacious Old K, but you need a little boost before you can get yo’ swerve on.  Leave Beer Pong and Flip Cup to the fools, we got your night covered—old school. Put that kiddie-shit childhood to use for some new games:

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Distract Yo’ Self: Internet Games Edition

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Hey there everybody.  Finals week got you down?  Need a little break from that paper looming over your head?  Then try using the internet for what it was intended for.  No, not researching 16th century French architecture for your art history final tomorrow.  Distracting yourself with mindless, pedantic games to keep you from getting anything even remotely productive done!

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