The Thrill’s Holiday Gift Guide: How to Shop for Your Parents in the Market and Bookstore


The fall semester is almost over here at gay old Kenyon College, and while the impending doom of finals may be muting your holiday cheer, they are coming. And that means that you have to stop toying with the idea of opening your Psych textbook for the first time in months and start thinking about how the hell you are going to get your parents something for the holidays at the tiniest college in the world. Well, have no fear! The Thrill is here to help aid you with this handy guide of unforgettable gifts from the Village Market and Kenyon Bookstore.

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Holiday Gift Guide: The Bookstore

The Thrill is excited to bring you a series of holiday gift guides for different stores around campus. Today, we feature some of the goodies for sale in the Kenyon Bookstore.


Terry’s Chocolate Orange; $5 each; table near the checkout counter — Available in dark, milk, and white, this orange-flavored chocolate in the shape of an orange is the perfect Christmas stocking stuffer. It’s the only candy I know of where you get to smack it on a table before you eat it (to separate the orange slices), so it’s great for relieving some excess end-of-semester stress.

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Gift Guide: What to Get for That Professor You Think You’re Closer to Than You Really Are

If this is the professor you have your eye on, you might want to set your sights lower.

When we first applied to Kenyon, we were all told that here, the relationship between students and professors is so beautiful and intimate, you’ll definitely get invited over for dinner. Probably more than once. You and your professor won’t just be colleagues — you’ll be best friends. With that possibly misguided assumption in mind, we all have that professor we’re trying desperately to befriend. You’ve spent so much time together in office hours, poring over your papers! Doesn’t that mean anything to her? Where is that dinner invitation?

Well, The Thrill is here to help. With this installment of our Holiday Gift Guide, you’re guaranteed to be passing potatoes to and sharing a glass of wine with your professor’s significant other in no time.

  • A Handmade Blanket for Their Offspring — Showing that you care about the most important parts of your professor’s personal life is the best way to deepen your bond. No need to study for that final: just spend the time crocheting a beautiful blanket for your professor’s adorable offspring, and you’re set.
  • Your Annotated Copy of Their Dissertation — What better way to say “I’m obsessed with your amazing academic work” than to track down your professor’s dissertation and take a red pen to it? He’ll appreciate your time and effort for sure.
  • Your Tumblr URL — I mean, your Tumblr is the best representation of the truest parts of your soul, right? If you want to show your vulnerable side to your professor, just send off a casual email asking her to become your newest follower. She’ll be enthralled by your Harry Potter .gifs, webcam photography and fruitless reblogs of attention-seeking memes.
  • Dead Fred Pen Holder — Professors love office supplies. They also love the poignant symbolism of death.
  • A Word Cloud of Every Email Exchange You’ve Had — There’s nothing more personal than a graphic representation of your relationship with the professor of your dreams. Just Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V and you’re set.

Gift Guide: What to Get for Your Dance Floor Makeout

Holiday shopping? Please, as if I really care more about your wishlist than my own. I’ve got my own Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Christmakkuh/etc. list to construct. Presents are about me, and I don’t have time to go to the dual NASCAR/college apparel store in the backwoods of Gastonia, North Carolina (fondly referred to as “*~~The Gashouse~~*”) to find a gift that’s just “so you!”

Instead, to help you with this stressful activity, The Thrill has generously crafted a gift guide for all of the most important individuals in your life. And who could be more special than that hottie you were DFMO-ing with in Old Kenyon for the Highlighter (Beach? Halloween? Red, White and Brew?) Party? Thus, we present today’s installment of The Thrill’s Holiday Gift Guide.

  • Luxury Champagne — Nothing says “this was the best 20 seconds of my life” quite like a $150 bottle of champagne.
  • Framed Picture — Simple, classic, understated. Since a real picture of you and your DFMO probably doesn’t exist, minor photoshopping and Facebook stalking will probably be necessary. All in the name of love, though!
  • Mono — The gift that keeps on giving.
  • “I’m Nuts About You!” Keychain — Advertised as “the perfect romantic gift,” I don’t see how anything could be more charming. Also, the low shipping price makes it the ideal gift for the thrifty spender.
  • Down Payment on a House on Duff Street — Forge his/her signature on the contract, and you are guaranteed that he/she will call you back. Sure, your second date will probably be third-wheeled by some lawyers, what with it being a deposition and all, but at least you’ll have the court reporter’s transcript to remember it by.
  • A Ring — Nothing too fancy. As long as it costs three months’ salary, you’re in good shape.