Our flashy, heteronormative, materialistic culture here in America has caused a lot of people to dream of their expensive, bombastic weddings, with ornate tiered cakes reaching the ceilings and fountains of shrimp and diamonds or whatever. But the American sitcom has also peddled another, equally ill-fated ideal, that of the impromptu wedding. Eloping, planning a big wedding and abandoning it to do some unofficial affair with your friends, getting drunk and forgetting you got married: these days it’s all about making your wedding as unexpected as possible and providing little to no notice that it’s happening at all. Which begs the question: if I want to get married right here and now, at Kenyon College, and only have access to the bookstore and the Market, what kind of shindig could I throw? What hootenanny would await my guests? What would I wear?