The Monday Catchup

The Monday Catchup

Today marks the four year anniversary of the death of devoted Kenyon staff member, Gourdzilla. Gourdzilla’s death in 2013 was unexpected. She suffered a heart attack while driving home from work. Her car swerved and met a telephone pole just off of 279. She was declared dead upon impact. When our campus was rocked by news of her death, students came out in droves to share fond memories. Sam Spam ’11 delivered this eulogy at Gourdzilla’s funeral service.

“We are all shocked by the sudden passing of our sweet Gourdzilla. Born Gourdzilla Octavia Stephens, she adopted the moniker ‘Gourdzilla’ as a result of her offensively massive size. Our love was directly proportional to that size. All 1,084 pounds of her will be missed. Rest in peace, Gourd-y.”

I implore you to take a moment of silence today to commemorate our favorite fallen gourd, whether you knew her personally or not. May her soul guide you each and every day. May her morbid, gourd-bid obesity touch you in ways you haven’t even considered. I hope she appeared to you this weekend. In fact, how was your weekend?

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The Monday Catchup

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Mediocre photoshop. Good gourd.

I’m disturbed, fellow students. I don’t know if any of you have been paying attention, but things have changed. I’m not talking about the Middle Path renovation or the 20/20 plan or the gaping, Cove-shaped hole in our hearts. No. I’m talking about the lack of one very famous gourd. The chill of fall has now descended upon us, and we welcome it with open arms. Sadly, this chill also reminds Gourdlings everywhere of their mother’s absence.

In short, where the hell is Gourdzilla?

She has been gone for too long. I spent too many hours this weekend mourning Gourdzilla’s absence. At least some of you remained positive during this tough time. Here’s what you had to say about this weekend sans gourd mom.

I saw Guy Fieri in a dream.

I was really happy, and a lot of people asked if I was black out. I was sober.

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WHERE IS GOURDZILLA?

RIP Gourdzilla 2011.

RIP Gourdzilla 2011.

This October seems to be filled with strange things. For one, it snowed this morning. Yeah. It snowed. I didn’t move south to deal with that. Also, the government shut down. Schoolhouse Rock betrayed me. But perhaps most disturbing of all is the lack of Gourdzilla. That’s right, friends. Fall Break has come and gone. Parents’ Weekend is a distant memory. All Hallow’s Eve will be upon us in a mere eight days, but Gourdzilla has not magically appeared in the servery, bringing us our only locally-grown joy in this trying time of midterms and turbulent weather. So where is Gourdzilla? I have some ideas.

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Gourdzilla Arrived One Year Ago Today

Relive that joyous day here. For those poor first years who did not get to experience Gourdzilla, just know that she reigned as the Autumnal Queen of Kenyon for one brief, glorious month. She was also The Thrill’s first big news story, and an instrumental part of getting this blog on its feet. Gourdzilla, we salute you.

An archive of our Gourdzilla coverage.