Kenyon students love nothing more than recalling ambiguous memories about Sendoff. Even if you spent a mere two minutes in the pouring rain watching some dude named Bas you still end up looking back with nostalgia on sitting on South Quad drinking a lukewarm Keystone. Kenyon students are far too familiar with having almost great experiences; however, as no one has yet to cancel on us this year, Sendoff seems promising.
I’m sure by now you’ve heard the good news: we’re rich! After receiving a historic 75 million dollar donation, it’s time we pay a little thanks to the mysterious man (or Hamburger Helper puppet hand–who am I to presume?) responsible for inciting the transformation of Kenyon that will ultimately make this hill feel foreign and cold to us when we inevitably return as bedraggled alumni searching for meaning in our past lives. I love the warm, soft womb of academia.
Oh, oh god.
1. Dear Anonymous Donor,
Thank you so much for your generous donation! I’m not going to have a library for my senior year at Kenyon. Thank god I can’t read. How much would it cost to replace all my professors with clones of Hugh Dancy?
913-9*7-9480. Mather 216. Yes, I have a passport. No, I don’t have anything to lose.
3. Dear Donor,
What internship opportunities do you offer at Monsanto? I have attached my resume.
4. Dear Graham Gund,
We get it!
5. Dear $$$$$$$$$$,
I’m on the market for a daddy. Will send pics of my feet ;)
Whoever You Want Me To Be
P.S. That perfume you smell is Fantasy by Britney Spears.
6. Dear Hamburger Helper Puppet Hand,
You kept your promise! You are always watching over me! I love you, Dad!
Your little hamburgette,
Life is full of mysteries: could you conceivably rehydrate a raisin into a grape? Where did Amelia Earheart go? Who shot JFK? And okay, yes, it’s probably just good ol’ Graham Gund who donated the $75 million, but also maybe it’s not…