Halloween is one of my favorite times of year for several reasons, but especially because it’s when people decide that horror movies are acceptable…but what about the rest of the year? What do our favorite slasher villains get up to outside of spooky season? Why, they’d naturally attend Kenyon College. To make things easier for everyone trying to wrap their heads around this half-baked idea of mine, I’ve decided to figure out who famous slasher villains would be if they were Kenyon students.
With it being October, Halloween is right around the corner, and with Halloween comes pumpkins and with pumpkins comes overwhelming intrusive thoughts telling me to absolutely obliterate every single unlucky orange sphere that I come across.
Imagine it: There is a Halloween party happening on campus and the pandemic has magically vanished. This party isn’t for students, though. There are alumni gathered, but not just any alumni. The party is full of notable alumni. You know, like famous people. Now that I’ve set this scene for this spectacular event, you might be thinking, “Gee Ella, this sounds fun! But where are the costumes?”
Trust me, I did not come unprepared. In fact, I have a whole list for you of exactly what their costumes would be in this fever dream type of scenario. Sit back, eat an entire bag of discount candy you bought, and watch my masterful Halloween vision unfold before your eyes.
John Green as Hank Green. John Green is the type of guy who would definitely go for a quirky Halloween costume that earns a chuckle from unsuspecting party goers. For his costume, he would simply dress as himself and then put “Hank” on one of those sticky name tags. People would be like, “John, you were supposed to dress up for this!” and he would point to his name tag, causing a fun little giggle. I have to applaud the natural low effort here.
Paul Newman as a Farmer. Hannah Montana once sang about the best of both worlds, and honestly, that’s the vibe I’m going for with this costume. The country hat and overalls would pay homage to his Western film days as a cowboy, and yet, the idea of the farmer comes full circle to his organic foods line. He could even bring his own salsa to the party for a shameless self promotion and everyone would think it was the coolest thing ever. Truly a man who can do both.
Allison Janney as a Starfish. You know Allison Janney from The West Wing? Oh, that’s cool, but pretty basic. At this Halloween party she deserves to shine in one of her iconic roles that nobody seems to pay attention to: Peach in Finding Nemo. Yeah, you heard me. Allison Janney was in Finding Nemo. I’m envisioning a whole body suit of arms to really accentuate her height here and give her the credit she deserves.
Josh Radnor as a Skater Boy. I don’t know about you, but I get major “how do you do, fellow kids?” energy from Josh Radnor. This may or may not be from watching Liberal Arts, but that’s too much to unpack right now. He would go around the party telling everyone he’s Josh RADnor while calling them dudes. I feel like he would definitely try to break dance with starfish Allison Janney.
Rutherford B. Hayes as Himself. I’ll cut to the chase: if you have the name Rutherford, then you are obviously interesting enough to not even need a Halloween costume. Plus, he was more stylish than any Kenyon student currently on campus. Look at how he dressed on Google. Do it. You will see some button down coats that only he can rock. That is all I have to say.
Halloween 2020 is in the books! Woo! I hope you all stayed safe while being spooky!!! Did you??? Did you stay safe??? Let’s not forget there’s a full-ass pandemic going on!!! Because it seems like a lot of people out there had some sort of mental lapse and thought it was okay to party with lots of friends just because a fun holiday rolled around. Now that’s scary, and NOT scary in a good way. Scary in a bad way. Don’t do that. Stop.
Hello readers. I imagine that most of you will be reading this the day after All Hallows’ Eve, long after the ghosts and ghouls have departed. “Rats” you may be thinking to yourself, “If only I could have made more of last night. My fright and scare levels aren’t nearly where they should be.” Well do I have news for you, dear reader. For years, I have been celebrating a bonus holiday, known only to a select few. With this one weird trick, I have circumvented the post-pumpkin blues. And you can too, by celebrating Secret Halloween with me.
The Kenyon Thrill 