The Monday Catchup 11/2/20

Halloween 2020 is in the books! Woo! I hope you all stayed safe while being spooky!!! Did you??? Did you stay safe??? Let’s not forget there’s a full-ass pandemic going on!!! Because it seems like a lot of people out there had some sort of mental lapse and thought it was okay to party with lots of friends just because a fun holiday rolled around. Now that’s scary, and NOT scary in a good way. Scary in a bad way. Don’t do that. Stop.

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Secret Halloween: November 1st

Hello readers. I imagine that most of you will be reading this the day after All Hallows’ Eve, long after the ghosts and ghouls have departed. “Rats” you may be thinking to yourself, “If only I could have made more of last night. My fright and scare levels aren’t nearly where they should be.” Well do I have news for you, dear reader. For years, I have been celebrating a bonus holiday, known only to a select few. With this one weird trick, I have circumvented the post-pumpkin blues. And you can too, by celebrating Secret Halloween with me.

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Thrill-o-ween: Drinking Game

Yes we’re all going to be depressed alone inside this Halloween but no, we don’t have to remember it. Enjoy this drinking game all by your lonesome or zoom with a few friends to wallow together. When should I start, you ask? Whenever you want. What is time anyway?

  • Drink every time 2020 gives you a trick instead of a treat.
  • Drink when the crushing fear of your uncertain future becomes too much.
  • Drink every time you remember that it’s Halloween and you’re alone and it’s only 9pm but you’re already tired.
  • Finish your drink if you haven’t cried in 4 hours.
  • Drink every time someone posts an Insta pic of their cute costume and you look down and see that you’ve spilled cold spaghetti on your pajama shorts again. 
  • Drink for every time someone invited you to a non-socially-distanced party.
  • Drink every time someone makes an allusion to this entire year being spooky.
  • Drink every time you run into the ghost of Christmas past.
  • Drink just because… I don’t know, just fucking drink. 
  • Drink every time you look in the mirror and don’t even recognize the person staring back at you.
  • Drink if you’re in class right now. 

Now, More Than Ever, We Must Get Fucked Up on Halloween

It has been a difficult year.

Consider all that has happened. Actually, don’t, it’s upsetting. Remember the impeachment? Yeesh. Remember Kobe? FUCK. Let’s not talk about it.

We still have two months left of 2020, most of which will surely be spent dealing with the fallout of the 2020 election (you’re kidding yourself if you think that hellrodeo will be settled on Tuesday night). And we still have to get through almost half of a semester that is probably––and I’m going out on a limb here–– not our best ever with Kenyon College. 

So what can we hold onto, at this moment when the world threatens to fly off of its hinges?

Halloween.

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Halloween Self Defense: Make Pumpkins Think Twice Before Attacking Your Home

Hello civilians. If you’re reading this article it’s because you are trying to guarantee your family’s safety on this ghoul- and gremlin-filled night. Well I have bad news for you, because there are NO guarantees in life, other than what you can provide for yourself through hard work. That being said, sometimes you need instruction in order to best conquer challenges, which is where I come in. After years of consuming Halloween-themed horror content, I am uniquely qualified to educate you on how to defend yourself from the ever-present threat of marauding pumpkins seeking to infiltrate your home and destroy your family values with rock-and-roll music and free love.

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