Now, More Than Ever, We Must Get Fucked Up on Halloween

It has been a difficult year.

Consider all that has happened. Actually, don’t, it’s upsetting. Remember the impeachment? Yeesh. Remember Kobe? FUCK. Let’s not talk about it.

We still have two months left of 2020, most of which will surely be spent dealing with the fallout of the 2020 election (you’re kidding yourself if you think that hellrodeo will be settled on Tuesday night). And we still have to get through almost half of a semester that is probably––and I’m going out on a limb here–– not our best ever with Kenyon College. 

So what can we hold onto, at this moment when the world threatens to fly off of its hinges?

Halloween.

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Halloween Self Defense: Make Pumpkins Think Twice Before Attacking Your Home

Hello civilians. If you’re reading this article it’s because you are trying to guarantee your family’s safety on this ghoul- and gremlin-filled night. Well I have bad news for you, because there are NO guarantees in life, other than what you can provide for yourself through hard work. That being said, sometimes you need instruction in order to best conquer challenges, which is where I come in. After years of consuming Halloween-themed horror content, I am uniquely qualified to educate you on how to defend yourself from the ever-present threat of marauding pumpkins seeking to infiltrate your home and destroy your family values with rock-and-roll music and free love.

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How To: Incorporate a Mask Into Your Costume This Halloween

Happy Halloweek! ‘Tis the season for inappropriate screenings of Michael Jackson’s music video for his poorly-aged classic “Thriller” and Instagram feeds clogged with images of two blondes wearing a scrap of cloth that reads “No Laws.” God, what a time to be alive. Well, I hate to break it to you, but things are going to be a bit different this year. We have masks! So now, as you contemplate how you are going to be the cast of Scooby Doo with your 5 person co-ed friend group, I have brainstormed a few ways we can dress pandemic-friendly. 

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A Little Birdie Told Me They Set Up a Spirit Halloween in Colburn

As someone studying off campus this semester, I’ve been behind on the gossip. The word around town, the “juicy stuff,” so to speak. So imagine my surprise when I find out that the administration has let Spirit Halloween take over Colburn Hall to give the on-campus students a spooktacular surprise for Halloweekend. 

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Dust off your Ouija Boards and Polish your Broomsticks, IT’S HALLOWEEK 2020!!!

There’s a dirty rumor being spread by some sorry individuals that because of the current pandemic, Halloween has to be cancelled, or extremely scaled back. If we can’t throw massive ragers or shower the naked bodies’ of strangers in regurgitated fun size Milky Ways then what’s even the point?

Well Halloween ain’t cancelled ’til the Thrill says it’s cancelled. And we’d sooner make peace with pep band.

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