Halloween Self Defense: Make Pumpkins Think Twice Before Attacking Your Home

Hello civilians. If you’re reading this article it’s because you are trying to guarantee your family’s safety on this ghoul- and gremlin-filled night. Well I have bad news for you, because there are NO guarantees in life, other than what you can provide for yourself through hard work. That being said, sometimes you need instruction in order to best conquer challenges, which is where I come in. After years of consuming Halloween-themed horror content, I am uniquely qualified to educate you on how to defend yourself from the ever-present threat of marauding pumpkins seeking to infiltrate your home and destroy your family values with rock-and-roll music and free love.

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10 o’clock list: How to Prove You did the Reading Without Looking Like a Normie


Ah, the delicious thrill of class participation. You raise your hand, tentatively at first, before fully solidifying your thought and thrusting your hand into the air. But how will you distinguish yourself from every other well-prepared student in the class? You can’t just comment on the author’s intentions or ask a question about figures mentioned in a study, no, you must do something that catches the attention of your professor and makes them think, “Wow, this kid knows their stuff,” and not, “Why is this school full of fucking normies…God, I wish I was teaching at Oberlin.”

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If Resumes Were Honest



When you’re job hunting, you’re supposed to put your best foot forward. To get on the grind you’ve got to sell yourself. Capitalism wants you to dress it up and make it look sexy. Employers want you to give ’em the lowdown in a condensed twelve by eight and a half piece of paper. For those of you looking for direction on how to spruce up those resumes, here’s how not to do it:

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How to Stay Kool at Kenyon When All You Have are Sweaters

"Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears." (via twitter.com)

“Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears.” (via twitter.com)

Unless you’ve been shut in your dorm room all week lamenting the outcome of the Pretty Little Liars finale, you’ve probably noticed that it’s still summer on the Hill. The sun is out, the birds are singing and everyone smells like an awkward middle school dance (women’s deodorant sucks — cut me some slack).

If your wardrobe looks like a ’90s church rummage sale complete with piles and piles of Cosby sweaters, have no fear. You don’t have to go on an online shopping spree in order to tame your inner Ted Striker. Just follow these tips and you’ll be easy, breezy and beautiful in no time.

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