If John Green Wrote a Kenyon-Inspired YA Novel, This Would Be the Summary

Hold on to your seats, because we at The Thrill obtained an advanced copy the newest YA hit: Finding Middlepath. This 100% real, verifiably true summary comes straight from the ever-flowing pen of Kenyon’s most esteemed export, the metaphor man himself, John Michael Green. Read it and weep.

College freshman Philander Mather-McBride is exceptionally ordinary. He plans to live the rest of his life with his only personality traits being his freckles and the fact that he has read Catcher in the Rye once. That is, until he meets enigmatic junior Koko Rivers. Koko is eccentric and unconventionally beautiful (you know, the type of beautiful that makes her attainable to a very boring guy). She divides her time between aimlessly frolicking through the cornfields of their rural Ohio campus and talking to the rat she found in her NCA.

And then, one magical Deb Ball night, Koko invites Philander into her world. And his life changes forever.

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The Kenyon Girl

kenyon cool girl

Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a Kenyon girl. Being the Kenyon Girl means I am a brunette, bespectacled, coastal elite who adores Peeps parties, Pinegrove, the Collegiate, and American Spirit cigarettes, who reads David Foster Wallace, drinks Natty Lights, is friends with all of the Fools but not in the Fools, loves to hookup before ignoring each other on Middle Path, and jams Peirce grilled cheeses and VI spinach and artichoke dip into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest Peircegiving while somehow fitting into the same cuffed jeans, because Kenyon Girls are above all hot. Hot and quirky. Kenyon Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Kenyon Girl.

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Shared Experiences Every Kenyon Student Had Before Kenyon

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Kenyon is a small place and a strange place. It takes a certain type of person to willingly give up four years of their life, their youth, their energy, their innocent, happy glow, to the rough-n-tumble fields of rural central Ohio. Partly because of how insular our community is, we all form a collective hive-mind/groupthink where everyone graduates somehow looking like this: Continue reading

Things I Realized Over Winter Break Are Only Socially Acceptable at Kenyon

I’ve had a hunch for a while that I’ve slowly developed a mild version of Stockholm Syndrome with Kenyon College. It comes on slowly, starting with a positive sentiment towards living in a one-and-a-half restaurant town. It finally becomes incurable with the onset of a nose ring infatuation and a sensation of terror because of the abundance of tampon options at the local Trader Joe’s. Since there are very few similarities between rural Ohio and Houston (besides the raging conservatives), I am reminded over breaks that there are a lot of things that are ONLY socially acceptable on Kenyon’s campus and are fully bizarre out in the real world:

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Lit Lit: Turtles All the Way Down

Lit Lit: Turtles All the Way Down

Lit Lit is a segment here on The Thrill in which I get someone lit (yup) and then that someone chooses a work of literature and gives me a summary and quick discussion of the themes of that work. This time I had the pleasure of talking about, yes, you read that right, Turtles All the Way Down by our very own John Green, with who I will refer to throughout as Mackerel Rough.  Dialogue is written in plain old font, our actions in italics.

What is John Green’s highly reviewed book Turtles All the Way Down all about?

MR: So I must first put out a disclaimer that I am somewhat embarrassed to have bought the book, but I had to buy it, or else sixteen year old me would have been mad at me. Do you know what I mean though? I bought it at the bookstore, it was signed and everything. It was also 20% off which is pretty good for a hardcover. And like I have all his other books. I had to.

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I Got Hypnotized by Kenyon’s Beauty So I Drew it Blind

I Got Hypnotized by Kenyon’s Beauty So I Drew it Blind

Kenyon College is a picturesque campus. The gothic architecture, the sprawling lawns, the lush trees; all of these things make up the campus’s sheer, unadulterated beauty. Seriously, the drone can confirm. But what if we became too entranced by the beauty of Kenyon? What if the beauty pulled us in and fixed us to stare at the underside of Pore’s butt cheek for eternity? Continue reading

10 o’clock List: Other Celebs I Want to Sniff

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My vision board for Kenyon 2016.

Let’s face it, this nation’s call to enfranchisement has caused Gambier to become what many are calling “The Hollywood of the Midwest”. From Lance Bass to the woman who looks like my mother (but happens to play a Russian mob-wife on TV), Kenyon has become a hotspot for all that vaguely glitters and all that’s somewhat gold in this election season. But, due to my chronic feelings of inadequacy, I need more! So, here’s a list of other strange and random celebrities who could waltz into Wiggin at any point in the upcoming weeks and ruin my chances at snatching a decent study table.

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