This weekend was Kenyon’s Halloweekend, which means many of you spent your eves romping around campus in costumes that varied from poorly executed puns, to niche references that read to maybe 5% of the student body, to inexplicably sexy professions and/or notable figures (and however you put this fit together, it probably cost too much money to make it worth it). I don’t mean to rain on the joys of Halloween. In fact, I love Halloween. Halloween slaps. Halloween is my middle name! Halloween is my fucking birthday! (But actually, Halloween is my literal birthday.) I just—Okay. Frankly, I find the college culture of Halloween to be disappointing. No one seems to care about pumpkins anymore. The audience for my references to the Halloweentown movies (Halloweentown, Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge, Halloweentown High, and Return to Halloweentown) is dwindling. CANDY HAS BECOME A PRACTICALLY IRRELEVANT COMPONENT TO THE HOLIDAY. I long for the days when I’m finally a real adult, and I can dress up far too complexly for my age and just give out the king-size candy bars to adorable children who actually understand and appreciate the spirit of Halloween. BUT I DIGRESS. Let’s get to the update, because that’s what you’re actually here for, right?

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