Kenyon Gets Sexy

co-written with Annie Blackman

Kenyon’s back in full swing, the weather is still beautiful, and something is in the air. We’re all young and stressed and hormonal. Whether or not you’ve fallen victim to the Fall of Heartbreaks, you never know if or when you might have the ol’ shang-a-lang coming your way. And what better way to show your school spirit and impress your partner than by trying out some new ideas you found on a blog linked from your Facebook news feed?

Here’s some Kenyon originals.

  • The Bushnell Double– Or for the more adventurous, the Bushnell Triple.
  • The B-Fuck– The BFEC is a lot like sex. It’s dirty, beautiful, easy to get lost in, and takes several hours to get through. Don’t make your roommate get out! Treat your partner to a hike they’ll never forget, and get a good workout going.
  • Leonard’s Back Door– Much nicer than you’d think.

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  • Market Dog– Come by after summer hours. It’s cheap, good for a break between study sessions, and surprisingly tasty.
  • Package Notification– “The bookstore might hold packages for three days, but you can hold mine as long as you like.” Nothing is more exciting and intimate than sending this spicy email out to your partner two to three days before you’d like to shang the lang.

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  • The CDO– Great for getting fucked in the future. Plus, unhelpful tips to please your partner.
  • Church Basement– I just had a friend who was really insistent on including this one. You really don’t have to do it but, he really wanted me to put it in this article. So. Um. You really don’t have to do it.

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Oh, Kenyon, We Are Like Loose-Leaf Tea

The words “Kokosing Farewell” conjure up awkward images and memories of First-Year Sing for anyone who has ever stepped near our lovely campus, not to mention the pervasive tune that gets instantly stuck in your head. Thanks to Allyson Whipple ’06, however, “Kokosing Farewell” has taken on a new dimension — as a loose-leaf tea blend sold by Adagio Teas. The tea in question combines citron green, lemongrass and white tangerine.

Whipple’s commentary explains the nostalgic choice of name:

This tea was made in homage to my alma mater, Kenyon College. Not only did I love my college years, Kenyon was the place where I discovered and started collecting loose-leaf tea. The teas that make up this blend all have sentimental value for me.

Kokosing Farewell sells for $10 for a three-ounce pouch. If only Adagio took K-Card.